Eat Love Procreate

Lately, I've been stopping to smell the roses as "just the two of us." There have been so many days when I am so utterly tired of being just two. The worst reminder has always been dining out..."Table for two please. Sure, place us right in the middle of 10 tables of families while you're at it!"

You'd think by now I would have mastered the art of cooking for two, but for some reason I never did. I am so stinking sick of leftovers. I know, starving kids in China, but you know what I mean. Countless times I've thought about how I'd love to have a "real family" instead of a refrigerator full of glass containers.

Don't even get me started on the stick figure families which adorn pretty much every vehicle in the continental US. There is simply no avoiding this abhorrent stamp of self-proclaimed procreative ability. Ok, maybe I'm being a tad dramatic on that one, but I seriously detest those stickers for the reminder of just two they provide at each traffic light.

Up until recently, being just two was something I've taken for granted at times. Now, I fully realize that some people are hoping and praying just to meet Mr. Right in much the same way we have been longing for a child. Believe me, I've ALWAYS been extremely grateful to have such an amazing spouse to spend my life with. It's just that in those times of struggle to create a family, it was easy to lose sight. This dark ominous cloud of what we still wanted but didn't have, seemed to creep in randomly to overshadow all the other sunshine.

However, Friday was a pretty meaningful day for us as we reached 20 weeks. This means we're half-way through this pregnancy, which brings a huge sense of relief, perhaps even more so than passing the 12 week mark or receiving a perfect anatomy scan result. I finally let the cat out of the bag on facebook, with what I hope was a tactful and humble post with a 20 week bump shot. Up until now I hadn't really said anything publicly in that type of forum.

It was like I had a Halftime Hallelujah that day! I could not stop crying, not only because of the amazing comments and support, but also because there are just so many deep thoughts & emotions swirling in my brain:

-Happiness for making it this far.
-Confidence that everything is going to be OK from here on out.
-Realization that although the journey suuuuucked to get here, the timing is good now and we'll be better parents for having gone through it.
-Gratefulness that our prayers were finally answered.
-Sheer terror at the thought of raising another human being! ha!

Times are a changin. Shit's about to get very real. We probably won't be wading our feet in the pool leisurely at the Delano in South Beach for quite a while...

Ah, those were the days!

If I'm being frank, just two is now being embraced again in a way that it hadn't been for a very long time. I'm relishing walking up to a hostess stand requesting a table for two or squeezing into a spot at the bar for a quick slice of impromptu cheesecake at Cheesecake Factory. In fact, this is how we spent our Sunday, visiting the place where we had our first date...

Match made in Heaven: White Chocolate Caramel Macadamia Nut &
Reese's Peanut Butter Chocolate Cake cheesecake. Oh YES we did!

How about the quiet solitude of moseying around Home Depot's nursery and finding a new plant to pot on a sunny day without interruption? The lovely croton made it's way onto our front driveway last week...

I'm enjoying the little things in life with a renewed spirit of just two. Not to say we'll never travel or go out for cheesecake on a whim or work in the yard of course. I'm just very aware that once this baby arrives things will never quite be the same. The sound level and volume of drool are about to increase exponentially in a few short months. I want to relish every last bit of freedom and time we have together NOW.

However, I'm also eager to open the door to a whole new set of life experiences with this little whipper snapper that will surely change our lives for the better. We had an OB apt. on Friday and were treated to an unexpected 3D ultrasound while we waited for the doc...

Still measuring ahead and weighs about 14 oz.
Heartbeat @ 160 bpm

Preston is such a mover and shaker that it's really hard to get any pics completely in focus, but you can see his basic facial structure here and the cute little set of cheekbones he's sporting. He was literally doing jiu jitsu moves with hands square at eye level. So funny!

I love that he's already so interesting and providing entertainment for everyone! I'm feeling the kicks and jabs more and more each day and am even picking up on his habits at certain times of day and during certain activities. Again, another thing I'm enjoying now as they are still light kicks and not the super sharp into the ribcage type of kicks quite yet.

We've been doing a lot of organizing around here too. Like any good parent, I went through any old blackmail worthy photos and shredded them to pieces. Aint nobody got time for that! hehe We've cleaned out closets to make room for baby stuff and the nursery-to-be is completely empty now. We had a garage sale this past weekend and liquidated anything collecting dust and donated things to charity. It totally kicked our butts, but we won't have time to do this stuff once baby is here, so chipping away at it while we can.

And now, I feel the fun is "allowed to begin" perhaps in ways that I wasn't prepared emotionally to let it before. I ordered the crib, crib bedding, and a wall decal today...a ritual I didn't take lightly and was saving for the 20 week mark. In the next couple of weeks, we may actually have a semblance of a nursery. Still so much more left to do, but we're taking it one very slow day at a time....just the two of us.

And so the preparation for sticky hands and a new chapter of life continues. I mentioned before that we were cleaning out closets, selling stuff at garage sales, etc. Well, the trend has continued. For the past two weeks now we've been wheeling and dealing stuff on craigslist like there's no tomorrow. I get the biggest thrill out of selling stuff on there. Raise your hand if you LOVE craigslist!!! I'm guessing it's got to be some sort of disorder similar to that of people who like hoarding stuff. However, it's opposite for me. Freeing up open space is so therapeutic!

We even sold some art that we absolutely loved. I'll pay a brief homage here for anyone who appreciates good photography to the phenomenal Peter Lik, who created the pieces we sold. We no longer have a giant 90 inch tall cavern in our foyer or a beautiful peaceful tree above our dining room table, but we enjoyed them while they were in our lives...

"SHINE" by Peter Lik

"INNER PEACE" by Peter Lik

Yes, we were admittedly smitten with these materialistic objects. However, it's funny how your priorities and tastes change as you transition through life. When we sprang for art, kids certainly weren't on the brain. We were simply looking for an investment into home decor. Fast forward a few years, and we find ourselves discussing the more pressing need to start truly planning for retirement, paying off hubby's MBA, maybe building a pool for our family, and saving for our kid's college education...even though the child is not even here yet. Somehow, having nice art just got knocked waaaay down on the totem pole. Do I miss it? Nope. Not really. I still appreciate the talent, but there are bigger fish to fry here in this thing called life.

Speaking of planning, I'm trying to be good about going through the month-by-month checklist given to us by our OB. Apparently, now is the time to register for childbirth/parenting classes and to choose a pediatrician. Wow, talk about a reality check! This parenting thing is really happening!

I've made an executive decision on our behalf as a couple to go totally rogue and NOT take childbirth classes. For one, the classes are sooooo long and at really inconvenient times clear on the other side of the city. We aren't lazy people of course. We'd put forth the effort if we felt it would really alter Preston's life. However, after talking to many women who've already given birth, it's quite clear that much of the information they teach goes in one ear and out the other.

It's also clear that no matter how much you think you know how to do Lamaze breathing or have your birth plan all spelled out, there is no telling what will go down in that delivery room. Feel free to talk me into it if you've taken childbirth classes and felt they were some sort of lifesaver, but my gut tells me we'll be perfectly fine just winging it.

As I've said before, I'm more concerned about learning how to best care for Preston once he arrives. Hubby and I are instead enrolled in a much shorter Baby Care Basics class that teaches newborn childcare, and we'll be taking the short Breastfeeding class, as well as hiring a lactation consultant to help give pointers on that. We will also be doing a tour of the maternity ward at our hospital. Outside of that, no plans for any other classes. Being selective is all part of the master plan to conserve energy and brain power for the things that matter most. Let's hope I don't kick myself later for being clueless on certain topics!

Happy to report that I met with Preston's pediatrician yesterday, and I LOVE HER! She came recommended through our neighborhood message board, and I can see why. She answered all of my questions and concerns about vaccines, newborn protocols, and gave me a calendar of appointments to expect for the first few years of life. Nowadays babies are typically given a Hepatitis B vaccine before even leaving the hospital, unless you elect otherwise.

I wanted to make an informed choice on vaccines BEFORE being faced with decisions in a hospital bed. As you may know, there's a lot of vacccine controversy hooplah. After speaking with the pediatrician though, any concerns I might have had are now alleviated. We will be doing ALL of the recommended vaccines, including the series of 3 Hep B shots beginning immediately after birth. The ped was a great listener, overwhelmingly sensitive and caring, and she even hugged me before I left and seemed genuinely excited to meet Preston soon. Um, that was a first to get hugged by a doctor, but I'll take it!

Yesterday was also another apt. with our perinatologist at 21w5d. The u/s tech did a very thorough u/s checking size & function of all organs again too...pretty much another full anatomy scan really. Hearing things are on schedule or ahead is such music to our ears. It seems Preston is averaging more with each passing month. He's now measuring a full week ahead (@ 22w5d) and weighs about 2-3 oz. more than average (1.3 lbs currently).

I have a theory that Jason's Deli must be a contributing factor to this fabulous growth pattern. I cannot get enough of their spinach salads & chicken pot pie soup these days. The habit has now grown into one of take-out, after discovering you can pack roughly 2 lbs. of salad into one container. Ha! I just had it for lunch, and I want it again for dinner. Luckily, I've gained a normal amount of weight myself (15 lbs.) despite the trucker sized appetite.

Can't get enough Jason's Deli salad bar. I must be stopped!

Back to the apt...According to the doc, my "cervix is a mile long" (@40mm) which is good, because there are no signs of incompetent cervix, a cause of pre-term labor. With every positive report comes another sigh of relief and another rush of emotion and tears....tears of happiness.

And if seeing two doctors yesterday wasn't enough, I also ran into my RE for the first time since we first learned we were pregnant. I was dropping off some old half-used meds to my IVF nurse to use for demos, and there he was. I looked at Dr. Vaughn, opened my sweater, pointed down at my 22 week tummy, and just smiled really big and started crying all at the same time. I was about to fall apart into a million pieces but thanked him as graciously as I could and just excused myself saying, "I've gotta get out of here before I break down like a crazy person!" Of course, he was totally put together and said how very happy he was for us. He is such a calming force I swear. I REALLY need to write him a letter, because Lord knows I can't keep it together in person.

I knew the moment we met this man that he was placed in our lives for a reason. I felt in my heart of hearts that he was THE ONE here on earth to help us. (Remember, he was the 2nd RE we sought help from.) Maybe it was the figurine on his desk that read, "Babies are a gift from God." Maybe it was how well we just clicked from the first meeting and how well we communicated every step of the way. He didn't talk to me like a lay person and we understood each other without question. Yet he also just made everything so simplified in a way that both hubby and I really needed. It takes a special kind of doctor to be the perfect combination of technical yet simple.

I doubted if I was in the right place at times whenever a cycle failed or when I found myself butting heads with him on certain aspects of any given protocol; The never ending quest of the infertile woman for ANSWERS! Anytime I searched for answers elsewhere I would use the information to advocate for what I thought was worth exploring, but was always led back to him to help us implement it. I really felt in my heart that he was given a gift to help others and wasn't just some egotistical asshole in this profession for the money or because of some God complex. It's like there was an angel on my shoulder telling me to stay put and keep trying with his help, even admidst the doubts that crept in. It was a textbook "gut feeling." I trusted him. I respected him. I knew he had our best interests at heart.

And when it didn't work, we'd just try again....and again...and again. I really and truly believe that for MANY women out there trying to conceive with an extreme amount of difficulty, you want to give up the most right before you're about to actually succeed. I have been there. I know what that feels like.

I want to tell you that if you're still struggling to create a family, your life will not be ruled by infertility forever. The journey will come to an end, and there IS a light at the end of the tunnel. It might be a longer journey than you would have wished, and it may take turns you didn't plan for, but you will survive and come out of this a stronger human being. This time last year, we'd just experienced our first IVF failure, and it wouldn't be the last.

To think... we began fertility treatments in 2011. It took Clomid, Femara, Chinese medicine, IUI's, 4 IVF cycles (3 FET's), 2 surgeries, and 4 pregnancy losses before finally reaching this point.....not to mention a ton of 'Come to Jesus' moments on my hands and knees. Yet here we are, in the unfathomable remarkable place of being 22 weeks along, signing up for parenting classes, and making way for a whole new life with a beautiful healthy baby. It's a daily reminder to never ever give up on something you want more than anything else in the world. I can safely say I've learned that lesson in a way I never expected to learn it.

Praise God, the sunshine is making a more consistent appearance. We've been blessed with sunny 80's the past couple weeks, and today it will hit 90! YESSSS!

I realized that I have only one month's time to enjoy the quiet solitude of our community pool before it becomes infiltrated by kids blowing off steam from the school year. I've been taking full advantage of this little slice of (quiet) heaven while I can...

Have you ever seen yourself in a picture or looked in the mirror and had to do a double take, like WHO is that person?! I must admit, I looked down one day at the obscene view of someone much too large to be stuffing herself into a bikini, and realized it was yours truly. Gasp! As much as I love the warmth of the sun on my belly, and the fact that a little sun has lessened the appearance of the lovely Lovenox bruises still making a daily appearance on my tummy, I decided it was high time to cover it up already!

Just the thought of trying to find a maternity bathing suit made me want to curl up on the couch and read a book instead. However, low and behold Target saved the day yet again. Actually, this was not a "maternity" bathing suit, but many other clothes I've bought recently aren't either. It just happened to cover my rump and my bump with enough square footage of cloth, and for only $40 total SOLD...

$25 for top & $15 for bottom @ Target

I happen to love this shade of blue and not because my hubby is a FL Gator. This is the 3rd bathing suit I've owned in this color. When I got home, I realized I must document this momentous occasion by making a "before and after" pic, because it's just too perfect an opportunity not to. If there is one thing I can do well, it's make fun of myself, and I'm brazen enough to share if it can bring a chuckle to someone else's day...

After @ 24 Weeks

HA! If that isn't a reality check, I don't know what is! Someday in the far far away future, I will hopefully have some semblance of the ole bod back, but for now it's worth every sacrifice in the world to be topping a record scale weight and sporting a "mom suit."

Then came the reality check that laying out is not such an easy task anymore either. Not allowed to lay on my back for an extended time, and there is no way I can lay on the belly either. After trying the whole laying out on my side thing (sans pillow between knees...big mistake), and then not being able to walk for 24 hours afterwards, I sought out a better option and found this...

$17 @ WalMart

I highly recommend one of these spring rafts w/mesh hammocks to float in. It's super lightweight, only requires a few seconds to blow up the outer ring & pillow, and folds up into this handy little bag. You can lay face down with your tummy on the mesh hammock immersed into water. There is zero resistance and you can finally get some sun on your backside. Score!

OB has assured me I can swim safely the entire pregnancy, and there are no restrictions as far as laying in cold water or sunning myself. Both he and my dermatologist have also told me there are no specific ingredients or chemicals to avoid in sunscreens either, although I take that sort of advice with a grain of salt and try to make the best choices I can, despite their lackadaisical approach to consumer products.

Obviously, the best choice for sunscreen would probably be slathering ourselves with mud, but that's no fun to lay out in. And because I'm not appearing on an episode of Naked and Afraid anytime soon, I highly doubt you'll see me sporting mud head to toe. The other option is a 100% mineral sunscreen, but unfortunately most I've used are thick and pasty, and I'm not even going to try applying that mess on my back. So, I decided I'm not fixated on being "perfect" in regards to a sunscreen choice, but will be "better" where I can. I found this sunscreen spray, which I LOVE! Although it's not perfect, it doesn't contain oxybenzone or nanoparticles, and it's a brand name I trust more than others.

$10/bottle @ Sprouts

Looooove this stuff. Check it out if you are looking for a sunscreen that feels soft (like a very light oil), smells fabulous (like a dreamscicle), sprays upside down, and prevents burning while still leaving you with a nice even tan. If you have a Sprouts nearby, they are having a 25% off sale on all body products this month, and there is a $2 coupon on each bottle on top of their store discount. If you are a fellow fan of the EWG website, they have a pretty handy page with other options in their Guide to Sunscreens you can check out as well.

Changing gears and speaking of exciting new products, we received our first registry gifts from some sweet friends recently (Thanks Tim & Kristin!). It was a sweet moment to open up those gifts. Everything makes me cry these days, and of course that brought a couple happy tears. People are so generous, and I'm very thankful to those reaching out with love and support and celebrating right along with us. Still pinching myself that this is actually happening, and that we are getting to experience some fun milestones of pregnancy like other "normal people." :)

We had our 24 week apt. with our OB on Friday, and although we didn't get an u/s we weren't disappointed. Preston has been throwing some major kicks and jabs and doing well at reminding me that he's alive and well in there. His kicks are definitely up a notch from what they first were at 17.5 weeks, when movement was first evident. The TV remote, which was resting on my side the other day, actually jumped from his kicks. So wild. Hopefully hubby won't get too sick of me remarking about the movement, because it's just so cool to feel, and I don't think I'll ever lose my fascination with the whole thing.

Preston's heartbeat was strong @ 151 bpm, and I still get all giddy every time I hear it, especially since I don't use an at home doppler and am resolved not to buy one. Not being a control freak with at home monitoring is helping me strengthen my "faith muscle, " and waiting for doctor's apts. to hear the heartbeat makes it that much more special each time.

All in all, things couldn't be any better. A happy wife is a happy life. We've gotten quite a bit done with the nursery, but still aren't completely finished. Will post an update on that once it's complete. Right now, the sun is calling my name. :)

This Mother's Day was a bit surreal. I had several people texting me and tagging me in Happy Mother's Day posts on facebook. On one hand, it feels nice to even be considered part of this "exclusive club" that has obviously existed for centuries prior to us becoming pregnant. On the other hand, in the strangest of ways, I couldn't help but think of the old SNL skit with Eddie Murphy called "White Like Me." Such a classic! Watch through the link if you haven't seen it.

In the video, Murphy goes undercover as a white person to see what it's really like. About half-way through, there is a bus scene where he becomes privy to the big "party" that's been going on without him this whole time. The look on his face... exactly how I felt this Mother's Day.

I will be the first to admit I haven't come to terms emotionally with all of the scars left behind from "Project Reproduction." I'm sure to some, it may seem like I should just be happy we're pregnant and get over it already, but unless you've traveled a similar path please don't judge. I know now, that being pregnant does not simply erase all of the hurt left behind or the feelings of inadequacy.

Part of me thinks some of the bitterness still remains in part as a classically conditioned response....after putting up barriers and walls to protect myself from hurting for so long, I formed automated responses to dealing and blocking things out....to the point where it's second nature. And while I'm trying to break those habits and focus on where we're at NOW, I am continually surprised at the random unwanted emotions that continue to crop up out of nowhere. I'm trying my best to learn how to navigate "the other side."

One of the ways I've tried to heal is to let my worries go regarding pregnancy losses of the past. I haven't bought an at-home doppler to monitor heart rate of the baby at home like many women do, because I feel it's a way to force myself to let go of control and worry. While it might seem like a small step, it's allowing me to place my faith in God more, and to also truly rest from trying to control things. Instead, I'm doing weekly pregnancy devotionals to pray about each step of the pregnancy.

The other thing I've done is force myself to enjoy the milestones of this pregnancy. It was really hard for me to have the courage to make a public pregnancy announcement to family and friends outside of my blog buddies, because of past experiences. A part of me thought that if I made an announcement I would be jinxed and would lose the pregnancy the next day....probably because this is what happened with our first pregnancy. I know it's highly irrational, but this is the crazy kind of stuff that goes through one's head who's experienced losses.

It was hard to gain enough confidence to buy that first baby outfit and to purchase stuff for a nursery. What if I woke up and this was all a dream? What if just when I did these things, this pregnancy was taken from me? I'm sure there is a better approach to dealing with those feelings that emerged, but all I knew to do was STUFF IT back down deep inside and just put one foot in front of the other and trudge on ahead...always forcing myself to JUST LET GO AND TRUST.

This weekend, we did this in a very big way. I told the hubby that the only thing I wanted for Mother's Day was to finish the nursery, and we did just that...

I am in love with this special place we've created for our little one. I'm in love with the most amazing man that has been there every step of the way. I'm in love with this child that is being heaven sent into our arms in only a few shorts months.

So yes, resolved to enjoy this pregnancy, despite any hesitation to open my heart too much, and to make this an experience that hubby and I will remember as one of the best times of our lives. And it has been.....it truly has. There are the fears, and there are the annoying feelings of bitterness that still make their presence known, but overall these have been some of the best days of my life. The only thing better will be meeting Preston Alexander face-to-face.

Nothing like the high pitch sound of screeching tires coming from behind, as you are traveling a whopping 5 mph on the entrance ramp to a major highway....behind a line of cars doing the same. Nowhere to go, and nothing you can do at that point, except just wait to be smacked from behind.

Luckily our damage was very minor. Thank you Acura!

His car will take a little more to fix.

Apparently, this guy wasn't paying attention. Texting? Who knows, but he was texting non-stop after we pulled over to assess the damage in the median of I-35. Of course, he also had no driver's license (only an ID from Mexico) and spoke very little English. Great! We had to beg the cops to come, as they do not typically come to minor car accidents in TX. They tell you to just exchange info. Um, really? It's so weird and off-putting, not only that the they don't officially place blame on the faulty driver, but that you are forced to give the other party your address.

We're not the biggest fans of strangers having our address and actually had a security system installed when we first moved here because of this....hubby was in an accident with some very ignorant people who were threatening him after THEY ran a stop sign and totaled his car in downtown Austin. This weekend's incident makes our 4th accident in a 4th car, since living here in only 5 years. Someone please remind me why on earth people are scared to fly? Anyhoo, cops finally came, issued the other driver two tickets, and sent us on our way.

It wasn't until later that I started wondering and hoping that nothing could possibly be wrong with Preston or the pregnancy. I felt fine, the damage and impact we felt was minimal, and no signs of anything awry. However, this is when I probably shouldn't google stuff, because I found a whole plethora of less than reassuring info. about detached placentas and other ill side effects of collisions while pregnant.

We were just at the perinatologist 4 days earlier (receiving another great report), but after a call to the nurse, back in we went to check things out. I was asked about signs of possible complications including those associated with detached placenta, and was experiencing none (severe pain & bruising of abdomen, bleeding, cramping, baby moving less, etc.). An u/s of Preston revealed he was wiggling around like crazy, showing off with the cutest stretching motions with his arms. We'd never seen him sport those moves before, and now hubby's convinced he's clearly warming up to swing a golf club. Amniotic fluid looked good, heartbeat was strong @ 155 bpm, and placenta was still attached just as it should be. In the peri's words, "Baby is happy as a clam in there!"

We didn't leave without becoming privy to some of the doc's crazy stories about patients he's seen get in accidents. One actually got hit by a train on the driver's side of her car while pregnant, another fell out of the back of a pick-up truck while it was moving, and countless others have fallen down stairs. Sometimes I have to wonder why he tells us this stuff, but I get his personality by now...he was just trying to illustrate when to worry and when not to worry.

In our case, no need to worry. Life goes on. Insurance is handling the damage to our vehicle. Going through something minor like this is always a good wake-up call. Even though this wasn't our fault, I really should follow a safer distance behind other vehicles myself and be extra careful. I don't need anything more severe to teach me that lesson.

I'm also glad that I pray over our family most every morning... I'd actually just prayed the morning of the fender bender for protection as we traveled to our Baby Care Basics class that day. (The fender bender occurred on our return home). At first, I was kind of annoyed, like HELLO GOD, didn't you hear me ask for protection and safety today??? Once I put things in perspective though, I realized that HE DID protect us. It really could have been much worse, and we could be dealing with a whole different set of circumstances right now. We're just so very thankful we're not.

And of course, just as I was questioning whether God is actually protecting us or if He hears my prayers (for the millionth time), the next day I woke up to this devotional...

Leave it to the Jesus Calling devotional to give me the reminders I need, right when I need them most. Seriously love this book...always on-time!

In other good news, I received an awesome gift that I couldn't resist sharing. We've named him "Bob" after my favorite grandpa who passed away, and because...well he just seems like a Bob. He was a thank you gift from my dear friend, Suzanne, who is one of the sweetest and most thoughtful people on the planet...like a long lost sister who definitely lives much too far away. Suzanne, if you read this, you'll be happy to know that Walter's new brother, Bob, is enjoying his new home under the tree in Preston's nursery. hehe

You must snuggle Bob to appreciate him fully! OMG so soft!

I cannot stop touching this little guy. He's so stinking SOFT and just begs to be snuggled every time I pass by him. I know Preston will absolutely love him too.

Please stop by to wish Suzanne happy thoughts and prayers as she travels to CO this week for an endometrial lining check and possible frozen embryo transfer. As many of you know, it's very touch and go leading up to any transfer, and she deserves every bit of encouragement she can get!

Usually we celebrate my birthday in a big way, with past trips to Las Vegas, Yosemite, and Napa to name a few. This year, we did almost nothing, and yet it was one of the best birthdays I've ever had. Who is this person who likes NOT being able to drink champagne or go on 10 mile hikes?!

It was definitely special though despite no firework style celebration. I treated myself to a french mani/pedi and did lunch with the hubs at one of our favorite spots. Also got surprised with some pretty flowers and a card that had me laughing and crying simultaneously. Nothing like fresh flowers to brighten a girl's day. :)

So creative, my man made this funny photo montage that he put inside with birthday wishes from the whole family. We have an unfortunate inside joke in our household about the cat in the bottom right corner named Jazzy, but whom we lovingly refer to as Stinkerbell...She has a very unladylike habit of "leaving presents" and opting not to cover them up with litter properly. There is absolutely nothing we can do about it either! Instead, we just accept it as good diaper training and plug our noses for clean up duty. Still makes me laugh every time I look at this...

It's been an extra special week as well, since we are now 28 weeks along and officially in the 3rd trimester. Someone pinch me please!

Part of me wanted to whine a little since my glucose test was this morning (the day after my birthday) and I would have liked to have something naughty, like a slice of birthday cake, last night. However, I knew I'd be paranoid about passing that test first thing this morning if I ate poorly so soon before, so I opted to eat clean all day yesterday. Besides, when I really thought about it, how could I possibly complain too loudly about "having to eat healthy on my birthday" or "having to take a glucose test?"

Perhaps my experience was different than some, but I thought the glucose test was a breeze. I haven't gotten my results back yet (fingers crossed I'll pass!), but the actual process of downing the drink was not bad at all! It looked and tasted exactly like the Orange Hi C drink you probably had as a kid from MacD's...

I've been blessed with no food aversions though and haven't had heartburn once, so maybe that's why it was easy for me. My OB did not require fasting for the 1 hour test either, so I had a healthy breakfast an hour before drinking the magic potion, which helped I'm sure.

Today's OB apt. went smoothly, and I had an opportunity to ask my OB some long overdue ?'s about the actual delivery process. It's better to do this before you even choose the OB to begin with, but in our case better late than never. We're not taking birthing classes, and I wanted to know exactly where my OB stood on some important aspects of the delivery. I took a page out of Ina May's Guide to Natural Childbirth and highlighted the ?'s I wanted answered. Here is the list I used if anyone else can use a guide...

I was very content with the responses I got from my OB. Most important to me, he...

-Delivers about 80% of his patients' babies
-Visits patients 4-5 times throughout labor if possible
-Avoids episiotomy unless tearing looks to be occurring in an upwards direction
-Allows light eating and drinking in early labor
-Allows walking around, sitting on balls, changing positions when necessary (before epidural)
-Has 20% cesarean rate (although I'd like this lower, it's not so bad compared to some)
*National C section average is 33% and up to 70% at some hospitals!
-Does not use forceps. Uses vacuum only if baby is in distress and woman can't push any more (roughly 10% of deliveries...most first time moms).
-Waits to cut umbilical cord until after it quits pulsating.

Ina May's book also contains ?'s you can use to interview midwives and doulas. Although I'm not set on a natural childbirth and am trying to keep a go-with-the-flow mentality, I do want the least amount of medical intervention necessary if possible (ie. no induction or C section hopefully).

The rest of the apt. went well. No u/s today, but Preston's heartbeat was strong @153 bpm. My blood pressure was great @104/62. I've gained a total of 20 lbs. thus far (up to 150 lbs. now), which is healthy for 28w4d. No swelling, no heartburn, no cramping, no issues (other than minor stuff like insomnia, pregnancy rhinitis, and peeing my pants a couple times randomly when sneezing...shhhh don't tell!) haha! I'm instructed to just keep on keeping on...light exercise 7 days a week, swimming/sunbathing, and all other normal activities are still fine.

To know that we only have 12 weeks left is mind boggling. It's going to be here before we know it, and while I don't feel 100% prepared yet, we've done a lot to get ready as new parents. Next up...a book the size of a dictionary on the topic of breastfeeding! Oh, how times have changed, but I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.

It's standard practice at my OB's office that if you don't hear any news following the 1 hr. glucose test within 1-2 days, then you passed. I just like to keep track of my own medical records, so I requested the full results.

I didn't even realize how much other stuff was being tested at the time of blood draw. I knew they tested for HIV (a state of TX thing), but wasn't aware of the rest...

My nurse, who sent me the results, just said "Your labs look wonderful!" Then, after looking I see that my RBC's are low (pretty sure that indicates anemia). I wouldn't say I'm constantly tired or dragging, but when I do get tired it hits me like a ton of bricks.

I know that anemia is very common during the 2nd and 3rd trimester of pregnancy, but I'm just surprised she didn't suggest doing anything about it. Maybe my RBC's are not so far below normal range to warrant any iron supplements or dietary recommendations?

Even though my prenatal (New Chapter Organics Perfect Prenatal) contains only 18 mg of iron (100% DV), I know it's lower than other prenatals out there. Still, I'm scratching my head as to how I can possibly be deficient in red blood cells/iron with the amount of spinach salads, beans, 2 whole eggs every single morning, red meat sources, and dried fruit that I consume. The only other thing I know to do is start consuming Vitamin C along with those iron sources so that they're absorbed more effectively. I will have to ask about this at our perinatologist apt. next week and see if I should be taking an iron supplement. I'm certainly open to any feedback if anyone has experience with this.

Either way, just happy I PASSED the oh-so-scary glucose test!!!

We decided early on to play things by ear throughout this pregnancy. I've heard enough stories about the "curse of the Bradley classes"....where couples take intense birthing classes for 8 weeks straight learning all the ins and outs of a natural delivery, only to find out mom will need a C section for some reason or another. You may not hear parents talk about it much, but it's apparently somewhat common. This abrupt "change in plans" can also lead to an increased risk of PPD in women who feel they were cheated out of something they prepared so thoroughly to do, only to have their dream delivery snatched out from under them by necessary medical interventions.

Don't get me wrong. I am NOT saying that taking a series of birthing classes is a bad idea by any stretch of the imagination. Quite the contrary! I think anyone doing this should be commended for their effort to give their baby(s) the best start at life. They are already winning a mom of the year award in my book. In fact, I feel kind of lazy for not taking them myself in a small way. However, we've just decided to use other means to prepare.

I've been reading books on my own and we've taken a couple shorter classes to prepare for childbirth, breastfeeding and baby care. So far I've read The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding, Ina May's Guide to Childbirth, and Happiest Baby on the Block. All great reads! We've also taken an outstanding Breastfeeding class and a Baby Care Basics class. I must say that all of this has awakened in me a renewed enthusiasm for really trying to give birth naturally (meaning no induction, no C section, no epidural, no IV pain meds). I mean, I've always wanted to deliver naturally, but then again I wanted to conceive naturally too and that didn't happen.

I think once you have given yourself over so much to Western medicine, it's easy to settle on the fact that it was actually the thing that got you this far, so maybe it's not so bad after all? However, if there is one thing I know in my heart of hearts, it's that giving this child the most natural entrance into this world is THE BEST thing for baby, mom, breastfeeding...pretty much everything. I really do not see any downside of trying to go natural, outside of the pain. And really, despite the need to use so much Western medicine up until this point, I still believe in my body's strength and ability to do something women have been doing for millions of years. I still believe very strongly in the power of the human body, of the mind, and of prayer.

I feel like giving birth naturally would be very healing on a deep emotional level for us as a couple too (especially for me). Going through infertility stole so much of the natural process of conception from us. How awesome would it be if we could have a natural delivery that allowed my body to actually do what it was designed to do ON IT'S OWN?! Yes indeed, I do like the idea of that! The pain...well that just seems like such a small sacrifice for me to go through if it means our baby won't be exposed to drugs. (I know, I know...insert scoffing and laughter from most every other mom in America)

I realize my view is not one of the majority, but it feels like something I need to at least TRY. So, as it stands now, I'm mentally prepared to "take one for the team" on the natural birthing front. I'm embracing the opportunity to be empowered instead of lending myself to fear of pain. I don't plan to just wing it though. Because we've opted not to pursue more formal classes than we've already taken, we've decided instead to hire a doula to help support the process.

I am super excited about hiring a doula! We attended a doula info. session this past weekend, a little for me but more for hubby to see what they do exactly. As always, he's on board with whatever I want to do, and I think we've already found a doula that will be great for us. If you aren't familiar with what a doula is/does...

What Doulas Do: (Click to enlarge)

One of the main things I'm concerned with is being in the hospital any longer than absolutely necessary. I would rather labor at home as long as humanly possible, and it's just hard to know when to go or if I'm reading things right as a first time mom. I don't want to go too soon and get stuck there feeling pressured to move things along with pitocin or other induction drugs (or go and get sent back home). I also don't want to get there too late. I think the biggest plus is that the doula actually comes to our house, helping me labor there, and then caravans with us to the hospital for the birth. Doulas also do birth center and home births, but we are choosing to deliver in hospital just in case of any emergencies and also since I'm on blood thinners and all that jazz. Safety of baby and mom is still the MOST important thing for us. The doula will be by our side the whole time, providing encouragement for the birth plan we have outlined ahead of time, and helping us through every situation...even if plans change, which realistically they can. This is what most doula packages include where we live in Austin...

Doula Services: (Click to Enlarge)

The cost of a doula is typically based on the amount of births they've attended in addition to their training. We've chosen someone with 5 years of experience, 100+ births, and who lives geographically near our home....so not a newbie but not a top dollar doula either. Is it just me, or is this a steal of a deal when you consider ALL that they do for you?!

Like most families, money is tight for us right now, and the amount of things we still need for baby is overwhelming. But, I just cannot fathom trying to go naturally without the extra support. I don't have any friends who have given birth naturally, and my mom is no longer with us. The hospital is going to be full of staff offering drugs and providing suggestions that aren't even conducive to natural delivery (like laying flat on your back and not leaving the bed). I am not convinced that just having a birth plan in my file will deter the staff from their usual protocol in the least...not in this country at least. Nor is discussing it ahead of time with my OB going to truly solidify my chances of pulling it off. There aren't even any guarantees that my OB will be the one who delivers. It would really be nice to have one knowledgeable support person outside of my spouse that I can count on 100%.

Having the extra support from a professional (not just hubby) before labor, while at home laboring, and once at hospital to guide us and advocate for us is priceless in my opinion. And if it helps me to labor well enough naturally and avoid all of the things I don't want in my body (or baby's), it's worth it times ten. As I've mentioned, I am approaching all of this with the very realistic mentality of an open mind...because things don't always go according to plan. I know this. I also know that if I don't at least TRY, a natural birth won't just magically happen on it's own either. I've already done a phone interview with our prospective doula, and she comes to our home on Monday for a 1-2 hour meeting, where we'll discuss everything and outline our birth plan. I feel like she's a good match thus far, so hopefully we'll feel the same way once meeting her in person.

In other good news, we opted to do a 3D/4D ultrasound of Preston recently. I realized a little late that the optimal time to do these is actually 27-30 weeks, and I will be 32 weeks this Friday. Doh! We were able to get in quickly with an elective ultrasound boutique which charged less than 1/2 the cost of doing it with our OB though, so we went that route. I highly recommend seeking out this option if you ever have the choice. Just make sure the technician performing the ultrasound has the same training (at least a 2 year sonography degree). They use the same exact equipment and safety measures as the OB's sonographers do, and they give you so much more for your money at the boutiques.

Our little one is not the most cooperative model, and we tried on two separate days to get some good pics. Luckily, I drink a ton of water and my amniotic fluid was excellent for being this far along (sometimes babies get squished the further along you are). However, Preston just wanted to be a little contortionist both days. He wants to keep his hands and both of his feet crossed at the ankles right by his head. Yes, all fours by his face! Who does that?! I was half annoyed and half entertained by how cute his little tootsies were. All in all we're happy we did it, and it was worth it. Now I can tell Preston what a weirdo he was in utero...

No pics please...I will block you with my feet!

Moved the tootsies for a quick second finally! What a sweet face.

Our kitchen counter is becoming quite the shrine with pics of this little guy. I've heard other moms say how neat it is to see baby when they are born and how they look exactly like they did in the 3D/4D pics, so we are excited to see how cute he is already...and of course it's always good to know he's got all of his toes too. Ha!

OB appointment tomorrow, hospital maternity tour this weekend, face-to-face meeting with our doula on Monday, and final perinatologist apt. the following week. Edit: Because clearly I cannot count- 8.5 weeks left until our due date!

What message must God be trying to send if my wall oven stops working just as I have a sheet of raw chocolate chip cookie dough ready to throw in? I've decided to let this be a reminder; if not having freshly baked cookies is my only reason to pout, then life is pretty good.

Couldn't help but think of the soup nazi from Seinfeld :)

We are still waiting on final repairs after having a service guy out and ordering parts (fun!), but luckily the fridge is still working so the dough is safe and sound. Thankfully, this mini crisis at the week's start was no indication of all the other good stuff to come.

Monday we met our doula, Julie, in person for a Prenatal Consult in our home. Both hubby and I feel very good about working with her. She talked with us for a full 2 hours and just seemed the perfect balance of knowledgeable, caring, and inquisitive. I felt like she was very confident with what she does but wasn't bossy, was a great listener, obviously experienced, and it just feels like a really good fit. She's had nothing but good experiences at our hospital as well, which is also reassuring.

We will be writing up our own birth plan come to find out, but Julie will provide examples of NUCB (natural unmedicated childbirth) plans, give feedback, and answer any ?'s we have. I can see the reasons why it's actually important for us to take ownership and craft the birth plan ourselves. We will give this to our OB at the next apt. and then Julie will come to our 36/37 week apt. to meet our doctor ahead of time. At that point, we will be seeing the OB every single week (beginning at 36 wks). I'll share my birth plan here once we write it too.

Our second to last perinatologist apt. was today, and I guess I can finally believe what we've been hearing for the last several ultrasounds. "This is certainly not a small baby!" I've heard some people say that fundal measurements (mom's belly) are more indicative of baby size than ultrasound (which can be off sometimes), but my MFM's u/s tech seemed pretty adamant that this is not necessarily so. Apparently, they look specifically at a few of the measurements as the "truest indicators" of baby size: head, abdomen, and femur length. When you see a perinatologist during pregnancy, they are practically doing a full anatomy scan every single visit, so they're pretty precise and measure everything...quite different from the condensed version done by OB's from what I can tell.

According to today's measurements (@33w5d), Preston is definitely on the large side. His head, abdomen, and femur length are all at the 90th percentile of growth.

Preston = measuring 35w6d
             = weighing approx. 5 lbs12oz
             = hb @ 158 bpm
             = head down and "in position" for a vaginal delivery
Mom = weighing 156 (26 lbs. gained)
          = bp @ 96/72

We asked about any concerns on baby's large size and were told that since I passed the glucose test with flying colors and blood pressure is nice and low, it's really of no concern...that he's just a big baby and has long legs. Come again?! Long legs?? Mind you, hubby is barely 5'8" and I'm 5'3". My immediate response, "I sure hope they used the right sperm!"

All in all, nothing but good news. I'm instructed yet again to just keep exercising 7 days/wk and to continue all normal activities. Alrighty then! Now before you think I am some kind of superwoman, I should clarify that my idea of working out these days is doing the elliptical with barely any resistance for 30 minutes with my heart rate not going over 115 bpm. Additionally, I now require almost daily naps and get tired after running one or two errands, needing to lay down on the couch.

I think if you look up the word "mosey" in the dictionary you will see a picture of me. Speaking of, here is my monthly bump shot. So hard to believe I'll only have one or two more of these before we actually meet Preston in person....

32 weeks

Hubby remarks several times a week now about how large and in charge I've become. While some pregnant women may not take kindly to this, I love hearing how noticeably pregnant I am...even from people at the gym who I've never spoken to in my life. I feel like some sort of freaking homecoming queen with all the compliments and attention (although I still find it a bit odd that strangers keep talking to me). Still, I'm damn proud of this belly! Sure, I have days where I just feel like the marshmallow man or nights when I can't sleep because I can't get comfy, but that is just part of the process. You will not hear a peep of a real complaint out of me, and more often I'm remarking what a miracle this whole pregnancy has been. I truly cannot complain.

So, this is it...the last 6 week stretch. Hoping and praying baby stays put to become full term, that there will be no reason to induce, and that we can deliver au natural...even if he does end up being a 10 lb. monster.

My dear friend Tammy threw me a baby shower this past Saturday, and it was truly a day I will never forget. Everything went off without a hitch, and it was so much more beautiful and special than I could have ever envisioned...was fighting back tears all day. I'm just so very grateful for the small handful of people that are near and dear to my heart that celebrated with us.

I've uploaded some pics in a YouTube video to share...

I'm trying my best not to get overly excited about this whole NUCB goal, constantly reminding myself in the back of my mind that at any point this plan can change. I always want to give myself that dose of reality so my hopes aren't crushed should interventions become necessary during childbirth. However, it's virtually impossible for me not to get excited at the prospect of giving our baby a natural entry in this world. The more I read and learn, the more confident I've become that this is the best route for us. And of course, I'm meditating more on the fact that it WILL turn out the way we want it to and am praying about it daily.

Our doula gave us a few helpful resources to aid in our creation of a birth plan. First she provided us with her own recommendations...

(Click to Enlarge)

There is also a FREE tool from Earth Mama Angel Baby that guides you through various categories and then allows you to download a pdf of the birth plan generated.

The Birthing Naturally website gives EXAMPLES of various types of plans as well. We chose to use a "bullet point" type of format.

Ultimately, we used all of these resources, the info. we've learned reading on our own, and the discussions we've had with our doula to create a birth plan that we feel covers the whole kit and kaboodle. We may not be able to guarantee that 100% of these wishes are realized, but If there's one thing I know for sure, it's that failing to plan is planning to fail. Well, we now have a plan. Here it is!...

(Click to Enlarge)

Well, I finally did it. I had testing for the BRCA 1 & 2 genes done. It's been a long time coming. I did a pretty good job of ignoring the doctors' recommendations for long enough...and those of my step-mom (an oncology nurse) and those of my sister (who already had the testing done). The urging from all angles had reached it's max, and I figured I'd just stuck it up and bite the bullet.

You may have heard of this testing because of the publicity it received when Angelina Jolie recently hacked off her boobies after testing positive. If you haven't heard of it, BRCA 1 & 2 are genes that have been linked to increased risks for certain cancers, namely breast and ovarian, but also pancreatic and prostate. Read more about it here...

Myriad.com
(Click to Enlarge)

Basically, only 5-10% of cancers are considered to be hereditary through a genetic link. While this is a small %, for those who do carry a genetic link, risk of certain cancers increases dramatically. So, for those carrying the BRCA 1 or 2 gene, the risk of developing breast cancer is up to 87% in their lifetime. Compared to an only 8% risk occurring in those with no familial risk in the general population that's a pretty big difference! You can see how risk compares in the general population with those who have familial risks and those with known genetic mutations here...

Myriad.com- Risk Factor Comparison
(Click to Enlarge)

Because the risks are greatly increased for those carrying this gene, the recommendations for treatment in women who test positive can range from increased monitoring (u/s, MRI's), to taking risk reducing medications (like tamoxifen), to having prophylactic surgery (ie. removing both breasts, having ovaries removed, complete hysterectomy). This is one big reason I'd been putting it off...because we are kind of in the middle of our mission to procreate and I wasn't ready to say buh-bye to my lady parts quite yet. Plus, the recos all just seemed so unnatural and barbaric in a way. However, the more I've read about it, the more I can see the usefulness in having this testing done for those with a family history. Ignorance is not always bliss in the long run.

You should consider BRCA testing if...

A personal history of breast cancer at age 50 or younger
A personal history of triple negative breast cancer
A personal or family history of male breast cancer
A personal or family history of bilateral breast cancer (cancer in both breasts)
A personal history of ovarian cancer
A parent, sibling, child, grandparent, grandchild, uncle, aunt, nephew, niece or first cousin diagnosed with breast cancer at age 45 or younger
A mother, sister, daughter, grandmother, granddaughter, aunt, niece or first cousin diagnosed with ovarian cancer
A family history of both breast and ovarian cancers on the same side of the family (either mother's or father's side of the family)
Ashkenazi Jewish heritage and a family history of breast or ovarian cancer

My mom was diagnosed with Stage IIIB ovarian cancer at age 45 and died at 52. Her aunt died from breast cancer at age 46. I am unsure of further familial history on that side, because although my mom had like ten siblings, she was adopted as a baby. Additionally, my mom did not have the BRCA testing done, which leaves a giant ?. Since she didn't have genetic testing done, my sisters and I have no way of knowing if we carry either of the genes linked to these cancers (it's passed down). You can read more info. on the Komen website if you care to.

Another reason I decided to do it now is that we happen to have some pretty damn good insurance right now, although it's only temporarily being provided through COBRA. Remember how my hubby got let go from his company of 9 years conveniently when I was newly preggo? Well, they at least covered our health insurance via COBRA through the birth of this baby. It was the least they could do if you ask me. Hubby did get another job shortly after that (we thought everything was golden at that point!) but he was then let go again very soon after (Yep, complete asshats). Thankfully we never dropped our COBRA coverage. Phew!

Needless to say, there's no real source of income for us right now, but we are very blessed to have outstanding health coverage through Sept. 30th....$0 deductible, 100% maternity coverage, etc. So, I figured I better take advantage of awesome insurance while we have it! The BRACAnalysis is not cheap. It runs roughly $4000+, but as I stalk my claims online, it looks like our insurer is going to cover it 100%. Say a prayer that this pending claim turns green sometime this century please. I'm checking daily, and I think it should go through!

C'mon, turn green!

I'm really glad I had the testing done, especially because (drumroll please)...

In the clear! woo hoo!

I was found to have NO MUTATIONS for BRCA 1 & 2!!! When we got the call, I put the phone on speaker so hubby could hear the results alongside me. I cried tears of joy (which I did not expect at all) but they just bursted out. I think in that moment, I was just thinking of everything my mom went through in her 7 years of ovarian cancer treatment. I am grateful that I won't have to make any hard decisions regarding removal of my reproductive organs now, or even after having kiddos. Realistically, this negative result does not guarantee I won't get cancer like both of my parents, but it does remove the greatly increased risks that would have been present if I did have the BRCA gene(s).

It's moments like those that help keep what's important in life in perspective. Hubby may be out of a job right now. We haven't really known how we're going to live, where we're going to live, etc. since February. Will we have to move? Will we make it out alive financially before we blow through our savings and lose our benefits? We've had to change a lot about the way we live our day-to-day. But, in the whole scheme of things, those "problems" just pale so much in comparison to the fact that we're both healthy, happy, and expecting a miracle in our lives any day now. There is nothing, and I mean NOTHING, more important than our health and the love that we share. Period!

And on an even brighter note, we got to see the belly ninja today. Even though we are seeing our OB weekly now, and they are performing BPP's (biophysical profile u/s) weekly, this may be our last official growth scan. It was one of my favorite apts. of this entire pregnancy.

During the BPP, they check for breathing, movement, responsiveness, and amniotic fluid levels. They like to see baby practice breathing at least once during the test. Babies tend to practice breathing about 30 sec. at a time during this stage. Preston was breathing steadily the entire test and did not stop once. This didn't surprise me, because I can see/feel him breathing all the time these days. I can literally watch his back going up and down through my belly. It's pretty surreal. Amniotic fluid looked excellent, and he was moving all over the entire test. He scored 8 out of 8 and passed with flying colors.

As far as growth goes, we were asked yet again "Um, has this baby been measuring big?" Yep, he's a fatty! I pressed the u/s tech on how much these u/s measurements can be off, and she was adamant that they usually guess within 1/2 lb from what she's seen (not the 2 lb. differential I hear many moms speaking of). So the head scratcher from what moms say vs. what all the medical professionals say continues. Only time will tell, but as of today he's supposedly already weighing 7 lb. 11 oz. and his head is in the 97th percentile of growth. He's in the 77th % of growth overall and is measuring 38 wks + 4 days (8 days ahead).

One thing we all agreed on is that most of the weight must be in his cute chubby cheeks. We saw him yawning a few times and opening his eyes...firsts for us. It's just amazing to see him maturing right before our eyes. I can tell he's really getting ready to meet us here in the real world. We are so in love and can't wait to meet him!

Preston = hb @ 173 bpm (moving around A LOT!)
             = scored 8 out of 8 on biophysical profile u/s
             = head down and low on mom's bladder
             = measuring 38 wks + 4 days
             = weighs 7 lbs. 11 oz!

Mom = weight @ 158 (28 lbs. gained)
          = bp @ 118/76
          = 0% effaced, 0 cm dilated (cervix still closed tightly)

The irony... The first half of this pregnancy I was so concerned with carrying a healthy baby to full term. Perhaps it's because so many people are delivering early these days and/or experiencing NICU stays; whether it's from carrying multiples, choosing to do elective C sections, OB's pushing inductions to accommodate busy schedules, or some just delivering early naturally. For the most part, I think most pregnant women would agree, it's like you sit there holding your breath to make it past the Week 20's and into the 30's, and then when you get towards the end, you just start getting antsy. So, here I sit patiently waiting to see if my body will show ANY signs of impending labor whatsoever at almost 39 weeks (8 days until EDD of 8/22).

Of course, I want a fully baked bun, which means going until at least 40 weeks. I guess it would just be nice to see SOME sort of indication that this baby has ANY intention of making his debut in the next week or two...or three if it comes to that. At last OB check, I was still 0% effaced and 0 cm dilated. My cervix is basically like Fort Knox right now.

I know that everyone is different. Some people show thinning of the cervix and dilation steadily progressing in the weeks leading up to birth. They may experience baby dropping into position and contractions for weeks before delivering. Then for others, it just kind of happens all at once in the matter of 24-48 hours right before giving birth. I would love to have some sort of sign that things are beginning to move in the right direction, but if my lack of progress cervically is any indication, I'm still just holding out hope that I'll be one of those last minute moms whose baby comes just in the knick of time, before any interventions are necessary.

So when would it be time to intervene (meaning induce...ick)? Before my OB read my birth plan, he suggested that he'd recommend inducing if I went 10 days past my EDD. I DO NOT feel comfortable with this. Why? Because only 5% of babies are even born on their actual due date, and it is not uncommon at all to go 2 weeks early or 2 weeks late. This is just a fact well known for thousands of years. So, no you're not going to pump me full of meds when I'm still in a very normal range for something to happen on it's own.

True story: I, myself, was born 2 weeks late @ 8 lb. 13 oz. My parents were so poor that my mom received no prenatal care whatsoever, not even a doctor's visit prior to giving birth to me. In fact, they decided at 9 months along to move cross country from Maine to Texas, because my dad could find construction work in Texas easier. So, they drove all that way with my mom about to pop. She figured she'd just go to the nearest hospital if/when she went into labor. Then, when I was born (at a charity hospital with a doctor she didn't even know), her labor just came all at once, was very short, and I basically flew out of her vagina with a full head of hair at almost 9 lbs. Ha! At least that is what she told me.

Furthermore, ACOG's most recent recommendations even state that post date is considered past 42 weeks....not 40, not 41, but past 42 weeks. As you probably know, artificial induction (Pitocin, cervadil, cytotec, etc). causes much more painful contractions than would occur naturally. Once you opt to induce, there is a higher likelihood that you'll then request an epidural, which can then actually slow down labor (funny huh), which can then lead to baby "not progressing" or having fetal distress, which then increases likelihood of a C section, and ultimately higher risks for mom and baby both. Sounds fun right!? I am by no means dogging anyone else who's gone this route, and inducing doesn't lead to the entire domino effect of interventions 100% of the time. I'd just prefer a natural alternative ideally.

At the end of the day, a live healthy baby is the most important outcome, and everyone has to make the decision best for them. However, you can see why induction is the enemy to most people who want a NUCB. There are women who are induced that do make it through with zero pain meds, but they are the exception rather than the rule. I would really just like to avoid all that jazz if humanly possible. Luckily, my OB has not mentioned the "I" word once in these late stages. In fact his words at our last apt a few days ago were, "Don't worry. It'll happen. I promise." Talk about a weight being lifted from my shoulders to just hear his confidence in allowing baby and my body to do it's thing in it's own time!

We will cross that bridge if we come to it, but for now I have no intention of letting anyone pull the induction card on us any time prior to 42 weeks. Nor will we fall prey to the "big baby card"...saying our baby will be too big or something crazy like that. Nope, not buying it!

Hopefully ya'll know me well enough to know I research the crap out of this stuff before forming an opinion. Baby is being closely monitored already with BPP's weekly. As long as there are no health issues with mom or with the baby and there is no disfunction indicated for the placenta, there are no real risks to either of us. Baby may just come a little late, and that's OK! A fellow mom relayed a quote to me that was drilled into her head in birthing class, and it stuck with me. They said to ask yourself, "Is mom OK? Is baby OK? Then, what's the problem?" I like that line of thinking!

So, in the meantime, I'm doing my normal...praying about it and just living my life. I've begun to do all the typical "come on baby voodoo" as far as drinking RRL tea, using a birth ball to bounce on/sway on, having intercourse, exercising 7 days/wk, and will begin acupuncture again next week if little one hasn't made an appearance by then. Also, doing all the stuff I won't have time to do once baby is here. I guess you could say this is my mantra right now...

My most recent reads, all good ones (lent from my doula)...

Got my hair did (added in some strawberry highlights)...

Did my own french pedicure (pretty proud of this)...

Have some food prepped for easy healthy dinners post-birth...

Preston's wardrobe is all washed and hung...

Most things are ready for the hospital bag, and car seat has been installed too. Now all we need is a baby!

It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s another birth plan flying straight out the window! Can you tell I’m trying to have a sense of humor about this?

It’s a reeeeally good thing I am not some type of crazy perfectionist Type A planner, because if I was I might be having a hard time with the fact almost nothing went according to plan when Preston decided to make an entrance a week ago today.

And this is why, although I prepared the best I could to create the birth experience I wanted ahead of time, I always prefaced my plans by saying, “I realize at any point things can change.” In so many cases, they just do, and I've always been realistic about that.

Still, I don’t think I could have possibly predicted the course of events as they actually played out. Sometimes our bodies just do what our bodies want to do. Here are some noteworthy and “shake my head” moments from our delivery...

Saturday 8/16
10:45 PM - Stood up and felt something wet. Proceeded to lose my mucus plug, then felt a HUGE POP (my water breaking like Niagara Falls), and began feeling real deal contractions all within the same hour. This after my recent OB apt showed 0% effacement and 0 cm dilation just days before.

-I remember that my OB is now on his weekend anniversary getaway. How convenient!

-Call my doula, who is already working another overnight doula job. She instructs me to sleep and she’ll try to make back-up arrangements. Sleep. Ha! Losing water by what seemed like the liter with each gush and contractions are becoming stronger.

-Hubby urges me with each contraction to just go to hospital, and I continue to justify all the reasons why I don’t want to go too soon. We arrive at hospital 6 hours after waters broke. Our doula is able to meet us there.

-Arrive 90% effaced, yet only 1 cm dilated.

-On-call OB is already insinuating Pitocin is needed at this point. Shut it lady!

-Nurse, on the other hand, is awesome and totally backing up my birth plan.

Sunday 8/17
-Continue to labor naturally ALL DAY LONG in a multitude of crunchy ways (shower, birth ball, mooing like a cow, etc).

-Dilation occurring slow as 100 year old molasses. Yet, the contractions keep on coming and hurt like a SOB. This is mostly because my water broke so long ago and there’s nothing to cushion the blow of each contraction, so I’m feeling EVERYTHING times ten.

-Even though they’re strong, they’re stuck at 3-4 minutes apart forever.

-Shift change occurs. Receive 2^nd nurse. Miss my old nurse.

-Learn that baby has not engaged his head, but as he’s come down a bit, he’s decided to turn face up (this is not what you want for a natural delivery). OB is unsuccessful turning him, but will try again once he descends a bit more.

-After 18 hours of labor, I’m told I’m still only 3 cm dilated and that I’m not even technically maintaining “active labor” at this point. OK, now you’ve got to be joking, because I guarantee this has to be active labor. Nope, technically it’s not.

-After 24 hours, OB is now insinuating a C section is going to be needed, because she can’t turn baby’s head after multiple attempts and I’m basically not progressing. Want to punch said OB in face, but ignore her and continue working with my nurse and doula on creative ways to avoid it.

-Consider getting an epidural at the slight chance that it can give me enough rest and reprieve to allow my body to just relax enough for things to turn around. (This does actually occur in a small % of people). I’m told there are no guarantees that the epidural won’t slow my contractions, but that because they are so strong on their own, it’s slightly possible the epidural could benefit me without “slowing down labor” necessarily. It’s worth a shot at this point if it can help me relax and build strength to try pushing on my own. What have we got to lose at this point? I get the epidural.

-Holy crap, I can’t feel a thing. I get a nap. I wake up and have them stop the epidural meds so I can regain feeling and try pushing this baby down some more. Contractions have unfortunately spaced apart further now though, which is what we were hoping to avoid. I knew it was a risk of course.

-I’m STILL only 4 freaking cm dilated. Laughable.

Monday 8/18
-I’m urged to do something to help things progress and am reminded that even ACOG would recommend using synthetic oxytocin (Pitocin, etc) to augment a stalled progression at this point (18-24 hours post water breaking). Neither I, nor my doula could argue that point. I agree to start a small dose of Pitocin (Damnit!), but told we can back off of it if enough progress occurs with contractions.

-3rd shift change, and I get back my original awesome nurse. Have we really been here that long??

-Pitocin is indeed working to increase contractions and dilate cervix. Want to cry tears of joy when they tell me I’m dilated to 8 cm. I really think I can do this.

-Because I want the best chance to push, we do something really brave and taper off the epidural as well to catch a window where I can just push to my heart’s content and actually FEEL what I’m doing. I know I am completely bat shit crazy by the way.

-As we all see it, we are nearing our “last chance” attempts to move baby down to engage and get him to turn on his own for better positioning. Everyone in the room (nurse, doula, me, hubby) are determined. OB is taking a nap somewhere.

-Epidural officially worn off and pitocin is in agonizing full force. That drug is PURE EVIL! I push for about 2 hours straight like this. Can’t believe I lived to tell about it.

-Trying everything to push and turn this baby. Nurse has used enough olive oil to feed an Italian army, and I am like a contortionist trying to push sideways, sitting half way up, on all fours, squatting, you name it.

-We can see baby’s head and hair while pushing, but it always goes back up during rest.

-After 30 hours of labor, my cervix is stuck at 9 cm, baby’s head is still facing wrong direction and won’t engage.

-OB voices her opinion that we should seriously consider doing a C section. I’m told that I could labor for another several hours with no further progress, even though I’m currently 9 cm, but especially considering all that we’ve already tried. My body had not established a very consistent pattern of labor on it’s own since the beginning. Highly unlikely baby will magically turn to allow shoulders under the pelvis either.

-My nurse and doula discuss the choice with us as a couple. I wish that my water hadn’t broken BEFORE having contractions, but there is nothing I can do to change that now. I cry because this is exactly what I didn’t want to happen, but I know in my heart that we’ve tried A LOT to get this baby out, and he’s JUST NOT COMING on his own.

-With either choice there are inherent risks. I realize how lucky we are that baby has not gone into distress this entire time, but there are no guarantees he won’t. I'm completely exhausted mentally, physically, and emotionally. I’m ready for the pain to be over, and we’re beyond ready to meet our baby.

-We choose to go ahead and do the C section. The minutes seem like hours as we wait for anesthesia to arrive. There is zero rest between the Pitocin induced contractions at this point, and it makes me even more content with our choice to get baby out NOW. Just do it already!

-We’re moved into the OR so fast that the anesthesia doesn’t even have time to fully work apparently, because I can actually feel them opening me up…I’m not talking about “pressure” here people. I can feel OB performing the procedure.

-Shaking like a leaf from the anesthesia being pumped into me, but moaning from the intense pain. The OB is literally yelling across the curtain at the anesthesiologist to “Get this girl something for the pain!” I can’t help but feel like I’m trapped in a bad episode of Days of Our Lives or something. lol Is this for real right now?

-Trying to get a hold of myself mentally, and the thought of meeting Preston and becoming a family with hubby gets me through. The other staff in the room try to maintain a light attitude and play “guess the baby’s weight” around the room. I guess with confidence that he’ll be 8.5 lbs.

-A few minutes later, at 6:08 AM (31 hours after my water broke), Preston Alexander finally met us face-to-face. His cry was THE MOST BEAUTIFUL THING I’ve ever heard in my life, and I began bawling like a baby myself the moment I heard it. He was given to me right away for skin-to-skin contact as they stitched me up, and we resumed following what was left in our birth plan as far as bonding time, breastfeeding, etc. He received a 9 out of 10 Apgar Score, and guess what…He weighed exactly 8 lbs. 8 oz. :)

Tuesday 8/19- Thursday 8/21
-Admitted for the mandatory 3 days post C section surgery recovery. Dad and baby all stayed in room with me the whole time.

-Half way through our stay Preston's weight dropped below normal weight loss levels (10.8%). He was deyhdrated, and completely stopped having wet and soiled diapers. He tested in the "very high" category for bilirubin (which indicated he had jaundice). He was inconsolable at times. It was heartbreaking to see him not well after being so healthy at birth. Scary couple of days for us!

-Preston received phototherapy for over 24 hours straight and was put on formula supplementation (delivered through SNS/Supplemental Nursing System). I delivered his formula through a small tube placed at the breast while I continued to breastfeed colostrum to him simultaneously. (more on this later)

Friday 8/22
-Preston gained a little weight back and began pooping/peeing again. His bilirubin returned to a healthy range.

-Discharged and finally returned home after being gone a full week. So thankful to be home!

So there you have it. "Overprepare, then go with the flow" was definitely put to use for the birth of our first born child. He was worth every prayer, every book read, every expert consulted, every battle fought, every moment we waited, and every single tear of joy and pain shed on his behalf along the way. I still can't believe that Preston is actually here and he's ours. He's absolutely perfect in every way!

Born 8/18 @ 8 lbs. 8 oz.

Snuggleworm

Broke my heart to see him so unhappy like this under phototherapy lights.
I know it could be worse, but this was really hard. I didn't sleep a wink.

Having some fun one night on a break from phototherapy.
Michael Phelps has got nothing on this kid's armspan!

Doing MUCH better the next day. All ready for his big
debut into the real world. If only he'll stop snoozin!

Can't believe we are finally a family of 3. :)

My handsome little date.

My two main squeezes together. Love these guys!

Trying out his snugapuppy swing. Two thumbs up.

Continuing to get some sun at home to clear out any remaining jaundice.

This face just makes me melt. Perfection.

All of us are settling in little by little.

Excuse my absence. It's been a tad busy around here. I've been reading others' blogs during pumping sessions, which is my only time to be online lately. Taking out my computer has been a challenge, but let's see if I can actually get a blog in.

The last couple weeks have been a whirlwind! Talk about not knowing which way is up or down. Our "plan" seems to change daily around here, constantly adapting to what might work or not work. I think we've moved our nursing glider about 4 times now, as well as other furniture and baby entertaining devices. It's like musical chairs for clueless first time parents.

Whoever invented the Fisher Price Rock n' Play deserves a Nobel Peace Prize, by the way. Our little guy is totally addicted to it, and against everything I said we wouldn't do, he's actually been sleeping in it in our room at night. We tried having him sleep in the bassinet of his Pack n' Play, but he's just not having that. We also had him sleep one night in his crib (upstairs in his nursery with camera monitoring). He did fantastic for one whole night and then he wasn't having that either the next night.

Ultimately, we've decided it's still really early to have him away on a complete different floor from us. He's only 3 weeks old, and we want him near us at night. However, the RNP is the only thing that seems to make him happy, so RNP it is for now. I realize I may have a beast to tend with later when transitioning to crib (which obviously doesn't vibrate or cozy him like the RNP), but it's anything to stay sane and get a couple hours of sleep for us right now. Pediatrician says it's totally fine, so guess we get a free pass on that one.

Other than that, our life is ruled by feedings, diaper changes, random meltdowns, and celebrations of poopy diapers after long stretches of grunting and kicking in a very dramatic effort to poo. My life specifically has been ruled by pumping, which I try to do 7 times each day. In fact, I made the decision to stop trying to breastfeed for now and switch to EP (Exclusive Pumping).

I mentioned earlier than I was using SNS (Supplemental Nursing System) feeding. This was because my milk was really late to come in (took 1 week for it to even show), and even then I wasn't producing 100% of Preston's needs. The SNS is a little contraption that you fill with formula, but then attach a tube to your breast with tape right near the nipple. It delivers formula via this tube, but the baby thinks it's just coming from your breast, so the risk of "nipple confusion" later on when you do decide to solely breastfeed is lessened, because he's always fed right at the breast. Here is a pic of what that looked like...

When I didn't want to strangle myself with the SNS

Awe, don't we look so serene? DO NOT BELIEVE THIS PICTURE!!! LOL Seriously though, this was during our "honeymoon phase" with the SNS while in the hospital. What you don't see is what ensued in the 2 weeks that followed this photo...of me and Preston and dad (yes, it took 3 people to make this work many times) awake at 2 AM feedings, getting the formula ready, attaching it to mom exactly right, getting baby in position on the breast friend pillow without making me gasp in pain from my C section incision, getting him to latch on to this tiny floppy spaghetti noodle tube taped to my boob, making sure it was aligned with his chin so that it was actually flowing correctly, and then him proceeding to fall asleep at nearly every feeding, at which time I would try every trick in the book to wake him (blowing on him, undressing him, caressing him, you name it) to keep him eating, and then try to keep the device working properly the entire time as the noodle flopped out or was yanked out by someone's curiously strong little hands. It was a giant PITA!

I really tried to make the SNS work, but it was NOT a long term solution, and my body wasn't upping it's game on the production front quickly enough. I also hoped I'd be able to solely breastfeed, but it just didn't click like I'd hoped. I met with 3 different lactation consultants while in hospital and had a really great one come to our home for a 3.5 hr visit afterwards. She put me on a "triple feeding" routine in an attempt to increase milk supply fast, where every 2-3 hours I would

1) feed Preston with the SNS, while simultaneously using manual stimulation of my own breast to make sure he was also getting breast milk along with the formula
2) pump with hospital grade pump for 10-15 minutes afterwards
3) hand express for 5 minutes after that

You guys, I did this routine 7-10 times per day for 2 solid weeks, and I just couldn't take it anymore. I saw some slight increases in my pumping amounts, but due to the fact Preston was also drinking some from the breast, I really had no clue how much I was actually making or delivering on any given day. It felt like I was giving formula all the time through the SNS and it was not an easy process. I was MISERABLE. I was not enjoying feedings like I should have been, and I'm sure Preston wasn't either. We decided that we needed something simpler.

For me, the goal of breastfeeding has always been more about the nutritional aspects for baby than it was about the bonding (I know, opposite of many moms). However, I really felt like I could bond with baby better if I was A) happier and more relaxed and B) I had the time to do it. I wasn't having any time to just hold baby much after feedings, and snuggle and just be together. And so after many tears and discussions, hubby and I agreed that I'd try EP instead. This meant no more floppy spaghetti noodle taped to my boob. No more failed attempts at satiating baby at the breast alone, followed by cries for more food. Instead, I would just do my best to pump as much breast milk as I could. We would deliver through bottles (which would allow hubby to take on some responsibility of feedings too) and then we'd just supplement with formula when we had to.

So far, pumping is working much better for us. I won't lie. EP comes with it's own set of challenges. There is still zero down time. I don't work, and while this might seem easier, I can't take a "break" in a quiet room to pump and am not protected by any law stating I am allowed to take a break. I'm by no means saying working moms have it any easier, just saying I can't ever get away to pump, unless hubby offers to watch baby and/or he's sleeping. Baby always needs something, and only with the help of my amazing hubby to take on baby duties, it's made possible.

I really want to give Preston the very best I can, so I'm trying my best to stick with it. I can't make any promises how long this will all last though. As I type this, I am already an hour overdue to pump, have just fed Preston, and he's strapped to my chest via his Baby Bjorn, because it was the only thing that would make him happy at the moment. Unfortunately, there are no holes for pumping in this carrier, so time will tick by until I do get a free moment to pump next. I actually enjoy just holding him more than pumping anyways, so I'm happy for the excuse to miss a pump on occasion.

Additionally, I'm not even sure how long I'll choose to pump, because the other clock that is ticking is my biological clock. We won't be able to TTC until my period returns, which will most likely never happen while pumping this much. If/when we decide to TTC naturally or pursue fertility treatments again, the pumping will have to cease altogether.

Speaking of clocks, here is a snapshot of what our day looked like yesterday just to give you an idea of what goes down on a daily basis...

11:00 PM- Bottle of breastmilk (57 mL)
10:45 PM- Wet diaper
10:25 PM- Wet diaper
9:50 PM- Bottle of breastmilk (60 mL)
9:45 PM- Pumping (100 mL)
9:30 PM- Wet diaper
9:00 PM- Wet & dirty diaper
8:35 PM- Bottle of breasmilk (120 mL)
8:30 PM- Wet diaper
7:00 PM- Pumping (110 mL)
6:30 PM- Wet diaper
5:55 PM- Bottle of breastmilk (120 mL)
3:40 PM- Wet & dirty diaper
3:35 PM- Wet & dirty diaper
3:20 PM- Bottle of breatsmilk (128 mL)
3:15 PM- Pumping (110 mL)
12:15 PM- Bottle of breastmilk (90 mL)
11:35 AM- Pumping (90 mL)
11:20 AM- Wet diaper
10:45 AM- Wet diaper
10:00 AM- Bottle of breastmilk (120 mL)
10:00 AM- Wet diaper
8:00 AM- Pumping (120 mL)
7:30 AM- Wet diaper
7:05 AM- Bottle of breastmilk (120 mL)
5:40 AM- Wet diaper
5:20 AM-Bottle of breastmilk (80 mL)
5:20 AM- Wet diaper
3:45 AM- Pumping (100 mL)
3:20 AM- Bottle of breastmilk (60 mL)
3:15 AM- Wet diaper
12:45 AM- Pumping (125 mL)
12:45 AM- Bottle of formula (128 mL)

Phew! Anyone tired just reading this?!?! It's just me and hubby flying solo here, so no rest for the weary! This day I'm happy to say we were able to give mostly breastmilk, because we did more formula the day before, and I had extra breastmilk stockpiling in the fridge. I would love to give this much breastmilk every day, but I'm always racing to pump more. Outside of carving out time, my body has just needed a lot of extra help to do this it seems.

Apparently, some women with fertility issues also have trouble with milk production, and I'm thinking it's plausible I might be one of them. Sure, I'm producing more now, but it's taken a village and whole lotta work, and it hasn't just happened naturally like it's supposed to. I haven't had my prolactin tested to find out if it's hormonal....I need another "to do" like I need a hole in the head if you can't tell. Honestly, I'm really not interested in traveling down a path of having a bunch of blood tests done to figure out what the real culprit is in this.

What I'm able to get now is exponentially greater than it was at first though. I'm taking supplements religiously to try to help increase my supply, like fenugreek, blessed thistle, and nursing tea...

I'm now making about 2/3 of what Preston needs at this point, and we're giving less formula than we were before. I'm still striving to make enough for 100% of his needs, which is no small feat as this milk monster's appetite grows leaps and bounds. I'm pretty sure he's having a growth spurt this week, but I'm not giving up as of yet. Now yesterday, when I woke up to blisters on my nipples...I was ready to just throw in the towel and quit altogether! It's easy to feel defeated when you are in pain or things aren't playing out the way you'd envisioned them. But then, I tweaked a few things (bought larger flanges, did some first aid on the nips, started using nipple butter again at each pumping, etc) and I was right back to pumping.

As for formula, that's been a challenge in and of itself. Preston's tummy doesn't agree as well with it, and we are now on formula attempt #5. We've tried several to see what works at the advice of our pediatrician and many other moms out there. None of them settle as well as breastmilk, but Similac Alimentum seems to be the best for us so far. Of course, we may need to take out a second mortgage to afford this stuff. Cha-Ching! Gotta be the most expensive formula you can possibly buy. Figures! We've also added Culturelle probiotic to one bottle daily and are using infant gas drops with formula feedings. Still nothing works 100%, but we'll keep trying to ease his discomfort the best we can. When you see your baby in pain from gassiness or trying to poo, it's all you can do to try to fix it.

I never thought I'd be so affected by someone else's bowel movements, but it's like a 4th of July celebration around here when Preston has a good poop! He's happier, we're happier. I swear, even the cats are happier, because he's not fussing and crying. I really look forward to his digestive system normalizing more, which I understand usually happens by about 3 months. I'm assuming that the farting will not stop there though, and that I have many years of boy farts to look forward to.

As crazy as it's been, I've got to say I'm proud of us as a couple. We really have no clue what we're doing, but we're making it work. We've somehow managed to keep a clean home, feed ourselves, and make sure our animals are still alive as well. CPS has not come and arrested us yet, and our baby is eating and pooping and gaining weight (Preston was 9 lbs. 2 oz. at his 2 week apt, up from 8 lbs. 8 oz. at birth)...he's got to be over 10 lbs by now. I keep reminding myself that if the millions of idiots out there can raise a kid, then so can we!

Plus, all of the hectic moments just melt away when we look at the sweet face of this little boy who depends on us for every little thing. He has such a sweet personality already, and makes us laugh at the smallest of things, like his soft high pitched wimpers when he's tired or the way he attacks a bottle like a caveman when he's hungry. Here are a couple snaps over the last couple of weeks...

First bath at home

Snoozing right now as I blog

Snuggle attire...check!

First walk around the neighborhood. Fresh air!

Our hungry little milk monster has morphed into an uncontrollable hiccuper this week, earning him a new nickname...all credit goes to the hubs for that one. Brilliant! Apparently, the intense hiccuping I'd felt in the womb for the last half of the pregnancy is sticking around for a bit longer. Preston is getting pretty tired of it, and I was wondering if it was normal. Well, come to find out it is a normal newborn thing. The pediatrician says it could last until 6 months of age, so we have a ways to go before we say sayonara to hiccups and hello to some other nickname making fun of Preston's bodily functions.

Hard to believe, but P will be 1 month old officially tomorrow! He wanted to look foxy for the occasion...

He's already wearing 3 month clothing and has outgrown much of his newborn and 0-3 month stuff. This is probably not the most accurate way of weighing a newborn, but hubby weighs himself holding Preston, and then weighs himself without Preston to get P's weight. According to our very scientific calculations, he's about 12 pounds by now. Is that even possible? Um, I'm thinking YES with the amount of food that he's eating. Our new favorite line is "He can't be hungry again!"

I'm pretty sure when I wrote my last post, he was going through a growth spurt and was consuming a ridiculous amount of milk. Since then, I've really tried to make sure he's giving solid hunger cues before handing him a bottle. We're getting better at distinguishing his different cries, and even one which resembles a dolphin noise. Not even kidding, he sounds like Flipper, which makes us laugh every time. I'm not sure if it's because we're being better about trying other comfort measures before the bottle, or because his growth spurt died down, but his eating has normalized slightly and he's not requiring quite as much to satiate him the past few days. I WISH I could say the same about the amount of diapers he's blowing through (literally).

Yesterday was quite a record breaking day. 15 diaper changes...an all time high. Preston tells us immediately when his diaper is wet and does NOT like sitting in it! We are not keen on just letting him fuss in the middle of the night and hoping he'll settle back down either. I mean, I wouldn't want to sit in wet diapers, and I don't feel right letting my kid do it either. 99% of the time it's guaranteed to escalate way past a wimper anyways. I'm hoping there will come a time when a tiny little wetness in his diaper won't create a blood curdling scream as if he's about to die, but for now we're at his beckon call changing diapers faster than a NASCAR pit crew.

It was also a good day, because for the FIRST TIME EVER I pumped enough breast milk to meet his needs. He drank 26.8 oz. of breastmilk & I pumped 29.5 oz. Get I get a hallelujah?! I won't say it was easy. I pumped around the clock every few hours, and it took 8 pumping sessions followed by hand expressing to get there, but I finally did it. Realistically, there isn't a huge enough surplus that I am confident I can do that every day, and I don't expect to. 30 oz/day is good on a day he's being a mild eater, but on days when he's absolutely frenzied and eating his hands off every 2 hours, I just don't see how I'll ever keep up. Still, I will keep trying my best and enjoying the feeling when I can give little to no formula. Preston enjoys those days too. His tummy is more settled, and he's happier and less fussy overall.

And on that note. I've got to run. I'm past due to pump, and the hiccupotamus needs a diaper change!

There are many thank yous I've made along our journey to parenthood, but this one was long overdue. I ran into my RE at the beginning stages of pregnancy while visiting my MFM in the same building, and I proceeded to have an emotional breakdown. I could barely mutter a "thank you" at the time. I was just so overwhelmed with gratitude. I truly feel that without IVF, we may not have ever had success starting a family, so I wanted to send him and his staff a proper "thank you." This is what a wrote...

Dear Dr. Vaughn, 8/23/14

I’m writing because there is no way I could ever convey my heartfelt thanks in person without sobbing buckets of tears…tears of joy of course. I sit here having just fed our absolutely perfect little boy, who just turned one month old. Preston Alexander joined our family on 8/18/14 at 21 ¾ inches long & 8 lbs. 8 oz. He’s a very healthy and happy boy!

As you know, it wasn’t an easy journey for us to the place we’re at now. However, I don’t feel we would have arrived at this new and exciting chapter without your help. We came to you after being dissatisfied with another RE, and I knew from the moment I stepped into your office that you were the one to help us. There was a figurine on your desk which read “Babies are a gift from God” or something along those lines. This was only a very small clue into the humble, caring, patient, knowledgeable and just “meant-to-be” doctor that we invited into our journey…YOU!

It wasn’t an easy or clear-cut path. There were pregnancy losses, failed attempts, surgeries, and many tears. However, one thing remained constant; anytime you walked in the room, I immediately felt at peace. I knew that you were our strongest ally always. I felt I could trust you without a doubt and that you had our best interests at heart. A peace just fell over me anytime you were there, and when I felt like giving up, it’s like God whispered “Stay right where you’re at. You are exactly where you should be.”

I am just so glad we did! No question that you are truly in your line of work first and foremost to help people realize their dream of having a family. I have always believed that fertility medicine is not taking the place of God’s desires for us, but that He anoints gifts to certain people to help those who need it. You, Dr. Vaughn, are one of those people. I know he placed you in our lives for a reason. And even if it didn’t happen on our timeline at first, I can now say that I wouldn’t change it, because look at the amazing miracle we now have in our lives.

There are no words to convey our gratitude for everything you did to help us. You are making a HUGE mark on this world, one patient at a time. I know I am only one of thousands of people who feel this way about you and your life’s work. THANK YOU and your entire staff from the bottom of our hearts!

With Gratitude,

Matt, Emily & Preston

You know you've entered a new phase of life when you begin singing "99 Bottles of Milk on the Wall" along your daily walks with baby. Hey, don't knock it. It's a great time kill when you need to entertain for an extended period of time. And while there may not exactly be 99 bottles on the wall (or in my freezer), I'm still sweating like an Iron Chef to sling the liquid gold across the counter just as fast as I can make it.

Unfortunately, it turns out the supplements I've been taking to increase milk supply (Fenugreek & Blessed Thistle) may have actually been causing, or at least adding to, the toot-a-thon taking place in Preston's pants. How do I know this? Well, I am not 100% certain, but I'm pretty sure it was causing some of the tummy trouble.

This week, we had a couple really good days as far as mood and lack of fussiness goes. I thought maybe it was because I'd been able to give so much breastmilk those days, but then it continued into a day in which I'd given quite a bit of formula as well. Maybe he's just growing up into a completely well-balanced mature child already?! Ha! Doubtful at this stage in the game.

I realize it could all be due to chance, but it just so happens I'd run out of my milk making supplements and was awaiting a new shipment from amazon. I didn't think anything of that piece of the puzzle at the time. Then, the new supplements arrived, and I began taking them again as usual. To my chagrin, the tummy trouble seemed to begin again almost immediately. I could literally hear the air pinging in Preston's belly. One night at the wee hours as I was snuggling him, our bellies growled really loud at the exact same moment...which is when a light bulb went off!

Could it be more than coincidence that the worse of this ceased when I stopped taking the supplements and re-emerged once beginning them again? Why were we both having rumbling in there? It wasn't bothering me much, because I'm a grown adult and growling isn't that big of deal. But to his tiny tummy, it could be a pretty painful feeling I'd imagine. I just had this intuition it might be a factor.

From then on I became a fart detective and was noticing every little reaction to eating and how his belly was doing. I starting googling more about tummy trouble related to both Fenugreek and Blessed Thistle and wouldn't you know it; it's a very common side effect to have increased gas and watery stools...both things we've commented on several times as a concern. I already cut lactose out of my diet weeks ago, so I knew it wasn't that. Apparently, these supplements are well-known to be hard on the stomach, in both adults and breastfeeding babies (even though Blessed Thistle is also touted as a "digestive tonic") and even though it's so highly touted for milk production.

Strangely, I learned a couple other things I hadn't initially noticed...like the fact my pee smelled like maple syrup? Yes, very weird! Apparently, fenugreek can cause false readings of maple syrup disease in babies, and sure enough I realized I smelled like maple syrup every time I hit the loo. I am not being a hypochondriac either. It's like when you eat asparagus and can clearly smell it in your urine...except I actually smell like an IHOP! It's unmistakeable and so very strange.

Needless to say, I decided it's simply not worth taking these supplements if there's any chance it's causing any doo-doo disdain for Preston. They have definitely helped increase my supply, as I went from pumping only 0.5/1 oz. on both breasts per session, to now averaging 3 oz. However, many times a supply can be well established by 6 weeks, and we will be 6 weeks on Monday. Worth noting that I also rented a hospital grade pump for a month (Medela Symphony) to help bring in my stubborn to flow milk.

It's equally important, if not more important, to just keep creating the demand for milk by pumping, and that is something I'm continuing to do of course. I just returned the Symphony yesterday, because we don't need the $75/month rental fee. Instead, I will still be using my spiffy little Medela Pump In Style Advance that I got for FREE thanks to the Affordable Care Act. It's a $300 pump itself, so I will take what I can get even if it's not the very best available.

And because I'm one of those people who feels they need to be doing something more, I began searching for other natural ways of increasing milk production through nutrition alone. I made these Major Milk Makin' Cookies last night for the first time. Jackpot!!!

These cookies are seriously good, and I would feel pretty good about eating them even if I wasn't lactating. Outside of being full of galactogogues, they are pretty healthy for tons of other things...heart health for one. Maybe I shouldn't have told hubby they are for makin milk, because he needs these in his life too! I'm hoping he likes them, because unbeknownst to me, the recipe made almost 5 dozen. We've got some cookie eating to do!

Yum

This could be dangerous.

The magic milk making ingredients are oatmeal, brewer's yeast, and flaxseed meal...

You can read about all of the amazing properties of these foods here if you're interested. The blogger who posted this recipe @ DrMomma.org gives some fantastic info on how it works to increase prolactin, the key hormone related to milk production.

Only time will tell if/how my supply is affected, both from the dropping of the fenu-fart and discontinuation of the hospital grade pump, as well as the addition of the cookies to hopefully balance it all out. I couldn't help but notice after making the cookies last night (and proceeding to eat a few more than I'd planned) that my next pumping session I got 5 oz! It could be coincidence, but I rarely ever get 5 oz, so I'm hopeful they're a decent enough replacement. Hopefully I won't turn into a total cow eating them like candy either. Cow's are good for milk making yes, but not good to fit in my shorts. ha!

We've been using this really convenient iPhone app to track Preston's feedings and my pumping sessions. There are a ton of apps out there, but if you need something to help organize I highly recommend iBaby Feed Timer.

This is what the log looks like...

This is what data for our last 24 hours, week, and month look like...

Bottle Feedings

Pumping

The app allows you to input anything related to breastfeeding, pumping, feedings, dirty diapers, sleep, and make notes anywhere needed. You can share the account across more than one iPhone, so that means hubby or a caregiver/babysitter can track while you're not with baby. You can view all the data in real time as soon as the other person inputs something. Then, it also analyzes data so you can see trends over time. And, you can even email/print a spreadsheet of all the data at the click of a button...pretty handy if you need it to show your LC or pediatrician for any reason.

Fingers crossed I won't see a huge decline in supply due to the dropping of supplements and downgrading my pump, but if I do, I'll just drown my sorrows in cookies and almond milk.

I did not write the following pearls of wisdom, but I really needed to read them today. I hope you like this post as much as I did. It's from an amazing blog called Girl of Cardigan.Grab some of these and enjoy...

TEN TRUE THINGS ABOUT THE FIRST YEAR OF PARENTHOOD:

I did a ridiculous amount of reading when I was pregnant. I read natural parenting books and baby scheduling books and how to make your baby happy with no crying and eating is good for everyone led by the spirit of your baby your self books. If there was a book to read, rest assured, I gave it a go.

I thought I knew everything I’d need to know.

How much of that information did I actually use? Some. A little. The best bits of this, a quick trick from that, but no single book was spot-on accurate, and nothing was anywhere near as easy as all my reading had led me to believe. Fable was just herself, and apparently she hadn’t been reading the same stuff I’d been bingeing on. All that reading was mostly a waste of time.

These are the words I wish I’d read instead, before jumping headlong into the mommyhood with my books and my charts and my ideals and my high horses. They’re flawed, and they aren’t all pretty, but they’re hard won and honest and as true as I can get’em.

Here’s what I wish I’d known:

1. You are going to suck at this parenting gig and be awesome at it at the same time, all the time. You will be a different parent every morning to a child who will also be different, sometimes changing in just hours, or minutes, or before your eyes. There will be good days and bad days, good minutes and bad minutes, good choices and not so good ones. You will do some things, probably a lot of things, wrong. Be gentle with yourself, because you are wildly loved and incredibly needed. You are climbing Mt. Everest with basically zero conditioning – expect to be kind of terrible at it for awhile. You are beautiful. We are for you.

2. Post-partum bodies are squashy and wobbly and dimpled and stretched and foreign and embarrassing and difficult and painful and gorgeously imperfect, and they tend to stay that way for quite awhile. You made a human. Now make your peace. Eat good food. Walk around when you’re well enough. Listen to the people who tell you you’re beautiful. Take them at their word. Remember where your worth comes from.

3. Your baby is not like the other babies. Your baby is the only one of herself who has ever been, and you and your partner are the only experts on her. Your baby will not behave like the books say, won’t like what she’s supposed to like, won’t do what she’s supposed to do when she’s supposed to do it, and that’s normal and great and perfectly okay. The best thing you can do is put down your literature and get to know your baby. What does she like? What makes her laugh? How does she best fall asleep? What does hungry sound like? The discovery of these things will serve you so much more than any stranger’s care instructions ever will. You don’t have to make your life or your family look like any particular model – you don’t have to follow the rules. You just have to create a life that works for you and fosters love and security and a whole lot of laughter. If that looks like 2am pancake parties, I’m not going to tell on you. I might actually admire you and be just a little bit jealous.

4. We have got to stop telling people that things should be easy and painless. We live in a culture that equates ease with value – the easier it is, the better it is, if it hurts you, something is wrong. Reality check: sometimes things that are hard and painful are also really, really good. Every once in a while as a parent, one of the things that you thought would be really difficult turns out to be incredibly easy and drama-free. This is called a miracle, and though it might be somehow related to some book you read and the alignment of the stars and a magic way you pat the soles of your baby’s feet and the tea you drink on Thursdays, it’s still mostly a miracle, and the odds of that same miracle happening to EVERY OTHER PARENT EVERYWHERE are pretty slim, even with books and stars and tea and so much foot-patting. We get excited in our victories, and want to share them, but it’s important to remember that we are all struggling with different issues. One daddy’s easy is some mama’s nightmare. And just because your baby doesn’t sleep through the night at five weeks or eat with a fork by her first birthday or cries a lot or your boobs get sore from breastfeeding (even though her latch is perfect) – just because it isn’t EASY and PAINLESS – it isn’t necessarily wrong. Sometimes hard is okay, sometimes, often, it’s even good. Hard is how we grow. And guess what, kiddo – parenting is hard. Any book that tells you otherwise deserves the big fat sticker of bullshit.

5. Speaking of bullshit, oh mylanta, the poop. They warn you. They tell you. And despite every warning, it is still baffling and alarming and downright awe-inspiring how much of your next year is going to be spent dealing with, assessing, smelling for, washing off, evaluating, discussing, logging, and transporting poop. Get good and comfy with poop, friends. The poop cometh. For whom the poop tolls. The hunt for poop-tober – you get the idea.

6. The sooner you can figure out how to accept unwanted advice gracefully, the easier your year is going to be. For whatever reason, people love to weigh in on babies – everyone has an opinion, and everyone wants to share. I believe that most of this advice is pretty well-intended – most of it falls into the “it worked for me and I am so happy and I want to share my joy joy joy with you because you look very tired” category, which is at least only mildly offensive and really very sincere.
Here’s the thing – you can stumble through this crazy first 12 months in defense mode, snapping witty comebacks at judgey old ladies or know-it-all childless people, or you can decide to give everybody the benefit of the doubt, smile and say thank you, and become very zen and confident about knowing what’s best for your child and not giving one ounce of your abundance of poop about what anyone else says.

If I were you, I’d aim for zen.

Nobody is out to get you. Everyone wants you to succeed. And screw them all anyway, because you are raising a child, and that is awesome. Did your kid eat something today? Is she relatively hygienically sound? Smiles occasionally? You win all the things. You are awesome enough to absorb any and all commentary, keep the bits you like, and toss the bits you don’t. How sweet of them to care.

7. Start stretching, because it’s time to get flexible. I’m not a big fan of general statements like “All babies like swaddling” or “Co-sleeping is best for everybody,” but there is one I can get behind – babies are really inconvenient. Your schedule, your sleep, your stellar punctuality record, your deadlines, your best shirts, your relationships – everything is about to get messy and complicated. You have two choices – become a weepinghungrytiredmess of doom, or swallow every ounce of pride you have and become flexible. Ask for help. Admit failure. Be late. Stay in your pajamas. Ignore the dishes. Let slide what can slide and rejoice when you make it through with all your bare necessities intact. You are going to miss a few parties and a lot of snoozes and probably many other important things, and it will be okay. It will be better than okay. It will be amazing.
Maybe, just maybe, you’ll be one of those parents who gets a magic baby who responds to the methods in whatever book you read or is just naturally benevolent and fits like a glove into your fabulous and organized life. Again, this is called a miracle. We love you and are happy for you. Now please, shut up.

8. The most important thing to get for your baby is not a Rock n’ Play, nor a good set of swaddling blankets, nor a high-end stroller. The most important thing to get for your baby is a village. Your village will keep you afloat. They will carry you when you are tired, feed you when you are starving, forgive you when you are unkempt and hours late and a neglectful friend who can’t remember to wear socks let alone whose birthday it is. They will love your baby when you are too tired or frustrated to hold her at the moment, because you are imperfect and human and have imperfect and human failings. They will remind you who you are when you start to think your whole life is only about poop. They will lift you up.

9. We have to lift each other up. Raising babies is the hardest thing many of us have ever done. We can tear each other to bits, criticize choices, and turn up noses, or we can love each other, admire adorable babies, offer a hand, and celebrate victories. This is not a difficult choice, people. Nobody cares that your way is better. Everyone cares that your kid is gorgeous and let’s chat over coffee and what have you been doing with your hair lately because, girlfriend, you look fabulous. Don’t be horrible. It isn’t really that hard.

10. Success is found in being willing to grow. Here’s the truth: you don’t know much of anything. A year from now, after your fantastic kid turns one, you won’t know much of anything still. Gather wisdom around you. Learn from your mistakes. Stay humble. Stay open. When you know better, do better. Be a better parent tomorrow than you were today, always, everyday, as often as you can. Try things out and leave them behind shamelessly if they don’t work out. Life isn’t a contest or a game – it’s simply only beautifully life. Live the minutes instead of scoring them. Love that incredible baby.

Oh, lovely – you are going to have so much fun!

I know this title may come as a shock if you've been following and know how much effort has gone into providing breastmilk day and night for little P. Let's see...there have been at least 3 lactation consultants at the hospital and 1 at home, renting of a hospital grade pump, supplements that were causing more gas than good, baking of enough lactation cookies to feed an army, and a virtual non-stop rotation of feeding, burping, calming, pumping, hand expressing, and washing pumping parts 7-8 times per day...and yes, I am tired just reading my own writing.

So, how does playtime and snuggling with a newborn fit into all that chaos? Well, it doesn't very easily at all. Even if baby adhered to some predictable sort of schedule (which he shouldn't be expected to this early) the whole pumping routine would be difficult. Add to the mix days when baby is going through a growth spurt and cluster feeding (eating every hour practically). It's extremely difficult to maintain...at least for me.

Correction: It's been difficult for US. I have an extremely helpful husband who has cared for P countless times so I could pump. He's been soooo amazingly supportive, from being up all night helping with those dreaded SNS feedings, to being part of the LC consults, to dropping whatever he's doing at a moment's notice to support my ability to pump. I was spending about 4 hours each day on the entire process, so without hubby it never ever could have worked as long as it did.

4 hours. That's a lot of time that could be spent in a precious snuggle or reading a story or singing Itsy Bitsy Spider....the list of things I could be doing with Preston and would RATHER be doing with him just became much too long to ignore. And if I can be just a tiny bit selfish, there would also be more room for SLEEP, eating better, and caring for myself and our home...all things that would help me be a better mom anyway.

Anyone who knows me knows that I do not do things half-ass. I put a lot of energy into things I set my mind to in general, and giving P as much breastmilk as possible was one of those things. However, there were enough rough and sleep deprived days that both hubby and I had to re-examine what we could do to make things less stressful. And while I realize it didn't have to be all or nothing, without a doubt we agreed that pumping was just something no one would miss...not even Preston.

I felt guilty at first that breastfeeding was not the picture perfect experience I'd hoped for, complete with rainbows and butterflies. Pumping wasn't nearly as sustainable as I'd hoped either. Of course I want the best nutrition for my child, but I am also open to the fact that giving him formula (the most expensive kind on the market might I add) does not make me a bad mom. As my dear friend Amber reminded me, "Want to see a bad mom? Turn on the news!"Right you are my friend!

I began the process of weaning off the pump last week and was already down to 1 pump yesterday. I do believe I'm officially done as of today, and I don't think my body was fighting me much on the decision to stop obviously. It seemed very happy to hang a "closed for business" sign on the door and begin getting back to normal in record time. Other things I won't miss are arthritic hands from all the hand expressing, rashes on my boobs, blisters on my swollen nips, and the uncomfortable heaviness of boobs my body wasn't designed for. I can tell you with 100% certainty now that I will not ever be getting breast implants. I have never been so grateful to be an A cup again and regain admittance into the IBTC!

Furthermore, I am beyond content with our decision and won't allow myself to feel guilty for making the best choices I can for our family...even if it's not someone else's path. Our path to parenthood was not conventional in the first place, so I am used to rolling with the punches by now. Surely there will be many more things that turn out differently than what I envisioned at first...and that's O.K!

The past week has been much easier and more enjoyable to say the least. Now when I feed Preston nothing pulls me away afterwards. I'm not watching the clock and can just cradle him in my arms and take an afternoon catnap. I will admit though, that most times I stay awake and just watch him nap and snore and breathe. I notice every little hair on his head and wrinkle on his chunky little fingers. Many times I just sit there with tears in my eyes, grateful for every last thing about him. I couldn't have asked for a better little boy, and I'm going to cherish every free moment I have with him.

These little piggies = Perfection

Snuggling in my lap as we speak

When hubby and I got married, I would always hear how "marriage is hard work." I'm sure you've heard this saying too. The funny thing is that I never understood that phrase. Marriage wasn't hard work for us. I guess we were extremely lucky, because it always just worked really well without the hard part.

Maybe it's because my mom prayed my entire life that I'd meet the exact man God had chosen for me. Maybe it's because we lived together for quite some time before getting hitched. It wasn't like we moved in together for the first time. In fact, my husband was living in London working for a tech company and I was teaching 6th grade in Orlando at the time we got married. We'd lived together, apart, and had survived a lot. I'd just lost my mom to cancer a few months prior and my step-father to cancer 6 months before that. That to me, was HARD. Marriage was not.

We had YEARS of living without much worry; financially, health-wise, emotionally. We moved a lot for his company yes, but outside of that, life was gravy. We went where we wanted, when we wanted, and did things how we wanted.

Then, came the unexpected 3 yr+ journey to parenthood. Never could we have prepared for the bumps in the road. I have seen marriages end a result of embarking on this excruciatingly tough road. Not ours thankfully. However, I think it was the first time in a long time where life (which includes marriage) required work. I know I don't need to explain. You guys GET IT.

So here we stand, arriving at the place we've worked so hard to get to. Our dreams of becoming parents have come true. We have a beautiful, healthy baby boy who lights up both of our worlds the minute he opens his eyes every single day.

Why then, does it feel like I'm sometimes drowning in a mess of emotions still...or maybe again, just in a different way? I find myself floundering to figure out this parenting thing. I'm surprised at how well I'm learning to mother in certain areas, yet feeling completely defeated in others. Am I doing this right??

One of the places I know I can do better is being a better wife. I have caught myself a lot lately being someone I don't want to be...someone who makes sarcastic remarks, or corrects my husband, has to have things "my way", or becomes a smart ass when someone wraps a piece of pizza in tin foil because it's too loud and will wake the baby sleeping in the living room. Yep, that happened. To my defense though, why must tin foil be so loud?

I know without a doubt much of it's due to getting literally only 3 solid hours of sleep each night (usually 9 pm-midnight) until my shift for baby watch begins again from 12-6 am. My body is getting so used to lack of sleep it's even become impossible to nap while P's napping, whether it be day OR night. I won't lie. It's wearing me thin, and it presents itself by highlighting all of my most flawed character traits, bringing those into the forefront. It doesn't help that I am a textbook Gemini. Whoever said life is like a box of chocolates must have missed greek mythology and the story of Pandora.

However, this too shall pass. The life of a first time parent, and especially one of a newborn, is going to present challenges that no one could prepare us for. And for one of the very few times in our lives, marriage may actually require some work. It may require me to hold my tongue more often, to ask myself how what I'm about to say or do affects my spouse and my family, and to be comfortable with not being right. I am working on it though, and am committed to being a more laid back wife who points her finger a little less.

Recently, I started reading a new devotional, The Power of a Praying Wife. I'm only a couple chapters in, but this book couldn't have come at a better time. I am absolutely loving it! I want to share with you the first prayer from the book.

If you take the time to read it, I promise you won't be disappointed. I hope you get as much from it as did I...

Lord, help me to be a good wife. I fully realize that I don't have what it takes to be one without Your help. Take my selfishness, impatience, and irritability and turn them into kindness, long-suffering, and the willingness to bear all things. Take my old emotional habits, mind-sets, automatic reactions, rude assumptions, and self-protective stance, and make me patient, kind, good, faithful, gentle, and self-controlled. Take the hardness of my heart and break down the walls with Your battering ram of revelation. Give me a new heart and work in me Your love, peace, and joy (Galatians 5:22-23). I am not able to rise above who I am at this moment. Only You can transform me.

Show me where there is sin in my heart, especially with regard to my husband. I confess the times I've been unloving, critical, angry, resentful, disrespectful, or unforgiving toward him. Help me to put aside any hurt, anger, or disappointment I feel and forgive him the way You do-totally and completely, no looking back. Make me a tool of reconciliation, peace, and healing in this marriage. Enable us to communicate well.

Make me my husband's helpmate, companion, champion, friend, and support. Help me to create a peaceful, restful, safe place for him to come home to. Teach me how to take care of myself and stay attractive to him. Grow me into a creative and confident woman who is rich in mind, soul, and spirit. Make the the kind of woman he can be proud to say is his wife.

I lay all my expectations at your cross. I release my husband from the burden of fulfilling me in areas where I should be looking to You. Help me to accept him the way he is and not try to change him. I realize that in some ways he may never change, but at the same time, I release him to change in ways I never thought he could. I leave any changing that needs to be done in Your hands, fully accepting that neither of us is perfect and never will be. Only You, Lord, are perfect, and I look to You to perfect us.

Teach me how to pray for my husband and make my prayers a true language of love. Where love has died, create new love between us. Show me what unconditional love really is and how to communicate it in a way he can clearly perceive. Bring unity between us so that we can be in agreement about everything (Amos 3:3). May the God of patience and comfort grant us to be like-minded toward one another, according to Christ Jesus (Romans 15:5). Make us a team, not pursuing separate, competitive, or independent lives, but working together, overlooking each others' faults and weaknesses for the greater good of the marriage. Help us to pursue the things which make for peace and the things by which one may edify another (Romans 14:19). May we be "perfectly joined together in the same mind and in the same judgement" (1 Corinthians 1:10).

I pray that our commitment to You and to one another will grow stronger and more passionate every day. Enable him to be the head of the home as You made him to be, and show me how to support and respect him as he rises to that place of leadership. Help me to understand his dreams and see things from his perspective. Reveal to me what he wants and needs and show me potential problems before they arise. Breathe Your life into this marriage.

Make me a new person, Lord. Give me a fresh perspective, a positive outlook, and a renewed relationship with the man You've given me. Help me see him with new eyes, new appreciation, new love, new compassion, and new acceptance. Give my husband a new wife, and let it be me.

In Jesus' name I pray.

No matter what we're going through in life, I've always known that our marriage needs to come first. Even with Preston now here, my husband still comes first and always will. We are the foundation that this family will be built upon, and as everyone knows, a house that's broken will not stand. I want our house to be solid. I want to be the wife that my husband wants to be around 24/7. I want Preston to feel the unmistakeable love that exist between his mom and dad and to find that same love for himself someday.

Love this man!

I won't lie. Month 1 could not have gone by any slower. Being a new mom was/is hard work. However, dare I say things are actually getting a liiiitle bit easier to figure out?! The days and nights are going a tad bit smoother, and time is really starting to fly by.

I am now seeing what people mean when they say to enjoy it, because it goes by too fast! In fact, Preston turned 2 months over a week ago on the 18th, and I'm just now having a moment to blog about it. I took some 2 month shots of him, which turned out pretty cute considering I had about 3 minutes to get them before he started losing interest. He got all excited once I put down the golf tees and balls next to him, which is definitely a good sign for dad...

We're getting lots of smiles these days, and his personality is really starting to show. I've a feeling we've got a little lady killer on our hands. I can't wait to see more of his little personality reveal itself.

Preston's 8 week check-up went really well...much better than I'd anticipated. In fact, I am the only wuss in the family apparently. The minute the nurse came in with the tiny silver tray of needles, I started tearing up and had to walk to the corner of the room while hubby stepped in to be with P. There was a really loud cry as he received the shots in his legs, but he was perfectly fine 1 minute later before we even left the office. His new wubbanub has proven to be a Godsend. The minute we got in the car he was out cold, with puppy paci in tote...

He had a very low grade temp over the following 24 hrs, but we gave him Tylenol a couple times and he slept it off fine. No horror stories or major fussiness to speak of THANKFULLY. Preston weighed 13 lbs. 3 oz at the apt (80% for growth) but is now over 14 lbs!

A week later we thought it was high time we ventured into public, although I was kind of hesitant. We're still being extremely careful about public places and strangers wanting to hover. There is just too much nonsense out there going around. A friend told me about these cool little signs that you can hang above baby to nicely say "Back the F off!" haha!

I felt better having the signage although I'm not sure we needed it. Although we made sure P was fed, changed, and happy before we left, we had 3 wet diapers with hissyfits for each in the course of 45 minutes, and he was hungry again and eating in the car by the time we called it quits. Exhausting much?

I seriously don't think I can handle taking him out in public places by myself yet, because it took both hubby and I to accomplish the mission. Hubby took him twice to change him while I bought diapers at Target. The boy does NOT like sitting in wet diapers and lets you know the minute he goes. Such a diaper diva! Apparently, he also doesn't like hand blow dryers that sound like an airplane is landing in the restroom either, as it scared the living daylights out of him and made him cry. It was also 87 degrees out, and he was sweating and uncomfortable in his carrier, poor thing.

Next time, I think we'll take his Baby Bjorn and strap him onto me instead. At least we tried though, and we were proud that we managed to hit 3 stores quickly. We were determined to say the least! Perhaps we should expose him to some new people in the comfort of our own home for now, before bombing him with so much stimulation all at once. He was so darn happy to be back home, and it was obvious.

Speaking of outings, I have a question for moms with babies who HATE wet diapers. We used to at least take walks around the neighborhood and P would sleep, but this is no longer guaranteed since he's awake more these days. What on earth do you do if you're out walking and a wet diaper occurs God forbid? We have a few little parks around our neighborhood with benches to change him on (which I've done), but if it occurs a mile away from home (which it has), I can't exactly just whip him out onto someone's front lawn and change him! So then, I am the crazy lady walking around the hood with a screaming baby. This has put a crimp in our walking plans as of late, and I'm really hoping this "Get this pee diaper off me NOW!!!" phase dies out. All suggestions are welcome if you've experienced the same thing, please and thank you!

Needless to say, we've been trying to stay as busy as possible and get outside while at home. Preston looooves being outside, especially now with a couple cooler mornings. The other day we picked roses...

He likes having his Rock n' Play outside with his toy arch attached. We sit outside and enjoy fresh air and birds chirping in the mornings...

Always guarantees some smiles...

Practicing grabbing and pulling on things...

Spending time sitting in his bumbo chair, although his fat little pork chops are already getting stuck in it when we lift him out...

He still snuggles with his favorite stuffed fox (and of course his puppy wubbanub)...

And since the pedi says he has the head control of a 4 month old (yes, a little humble brag), we are enjoying our new jumperoo too...

He loves spinning the wheel while mom or dad helps him bounce.And by the way, he's pretty smitten with his dad too...

Snuggamonkey play mat time on the daily...

And as much as P hates wet diapers, he loooves it the minute he has a new fresh one on. Immediate contentment...

Taking the cake is bath time. What was once a hit or miss event, has now earned a 100% hit rate for happy baby...

Last but certainly not least, we are enjoying plenty of extra snuggle time these days. Looking back on these pics, it's just crazy how much he's progressing and learning and growing in such a short time. I am cherishing every last snuggle that I can while he still wants to be in my arms...

It's safe to say, I'm falling more head over heels in love the sweet little man that Preston is becoming each day.

If there's one device that moms everywhere have developed a love hate relationship with, it's probably the Rock 'n Play Sleeper. If you don't know what it is, here's a picture (complete with non-realistic well rested mom)...

Why Love? Only because it is the most versatile, portable, inexpensive, magically calming, life saving, miraculous baby device on the market! Seriously, if you are having a baby or giving a baby gift, this is THE ONE thing to have...the perfectly angled bed, the soothing vibrations at the mere touch of a button, the snuggly sides that keep baby cozied up and reassured anytime they wake themselves up with their startle reflex mid-snooze, and the fact you can tote it anywhere from bedside to shower side so you can make sure baby is safe at all times and actually get some shit done. The list goes on...

Then, why on earth Hate? This thing is like crack for babies! Unfortunately, with a 25 lb weight limit, they can't just sleep in it forever, and there's no shortage of horror stories from moms who've tried to transition their babes from RNP to crib. I don't blame these babies for rebelling when the switch is made. I mean, who wants to give up all the coziness of the RNP for a big ole empty flat boring crib?

A couple things I should state for the record. There is some controversy on if/how much you should allow your baby to sleep in a RNP. Among them, things like flat head, torticollis, and upper airway obstruction due to the inclined nature are noted by some doctors as possible risks. These are serious things to consider of course. On the other hand, the RNP is very commonly recommended by many pediatricians, especially to parents of kiddos with acid reflux, due to the exact same characteristics in design. So is it safe? My pediatrician said absolutely it's fine. In fact, she recommended not even attempting the transition from RNP to crib this early. I was shocked to hear her say that actually.

I am certainly not smarter than our pediatrician, but I will say that the bigger Preston was becoming the more I felt the urge to go ahead and transition to crib now. His feet and legs were becoming more scrunched at the end to where he was sleeping in a squat position. While this doesn't pose a risk, I didn't want him to get to used to that position. Most concerning was the fact he'd become so heavy (he's now over 15 lbs!), the support was starting to sag and I noticed his head began to slump forward during sleep more. I was having a hard time sleeping as well, because I was so worried about watching his breathing like a hawk when he was in it. It was time to make the move to crib.

And because there are so many horror stories out there about making the switch, I wanted to share our personal experience...It was not bad at all! I really think it went smoothly because we didn't just move him into a completely different room, and throw him into a completely different "feeling" space to sleep. Some people may be able to do that with success, but I don't think our guy would have gone for it one hot minute.

Before the actual crib transition began, we moved his RNP into his nursery a month ago and kept it right next to his crib. This way he became very familiar with his own room and the view he'd have from his crib. We used a portable mobile to hang above the RNP from time to time so that he'd get used to seeing that above his head as well. Then the time came to make the big move. So without further adieu, here's what worked for us...

1) Propped the crib up on one end using books.This gave an inclined feel to his new sleeping space. While it wasn't quite as angled as the RNP, it definitely wasn't flat. Over time, we will remove one book at a time, so that he won't feel such a drastic transition to a completely flat mattress.

*We've already removed one book and will remove another tonight.

2) Made a "snugglenest" using a rolled up beach towel.We placed this under the fitted crib sheet in the middle of the crib. This way, it wasn't such a big wide open space, and he still gets a cozy feel when he moves about. There are no loose blankets, so it's perfectly safe. Over time we can replicate with smaller (thinner) towels to lower the height of the snugglenest until it's taken away completely.

3) Placed a large firm throw pillow at the end of crib near feet. This way if he slid downward or kicked his feet, which he did a lot in the RNP, there would be something there to provide soft resistance instead of just crib rungs or empty space. We tied the pillow to the crib rungs firmly as well, so if he kicked, the pillow would not fall back onto him.

4) Put soothing vibration unit under crib mattress. We took the battery powered vibration unit out of our Pack 'n Play (yet another baby sleeping device), which has only been used for diaper changes to this day and placed it under his crib mattress instead. This made the crib mattress vibrate, just like the RNP. This unit also happens to have an MP3 player you can play soft music from if you choose.

*I'm really not certain if/how much this element played a role, because the batteries were dying and after only a couple nights he went without any vibration just fine. We have now removed the vibration unit altogether...if he's fine without it, no sense in adding it back in and continuing the habit. If you're having issues transitioning, it might help, but you also might be fine without this step.

6) Placed mobile at center of crib hanging above his head.We used this mobile above his RNP prior, so it would be familiar to him.

7) Hung "baby shusher" in corner near his head.I have had more than one mom roll their eyes at me for using this thing, but I don't care. It works, both as a calming measure while mid-tantrum and also a preventative measure to prevent restlessness in the first place. It has one function and one function only. It goes "shhhhhh" to your baby at increments of 15 min & 30 min. You turn it on and it literally shushes baby to sleep for you. We had used this in the RNP prior with success, so figured we'd keep it in play in the crib. When I lay him down to sleep, I just turn the baby shusher on, lights off, and leave the room.

So, there you have it. Might seem like overkill just to get a baby into a crib. However, I would rather give him more than enough at first and then take away elements of comfort piece by piece, than to move to crib cold turkey with a not so pleasant experience for either of us.

The BEST part is that he seemed to sleep more restfully in his crib that first night than he even slept in his RNP. In fact, he is now going longer between feeds and has had a couple nights where he's only eaten twice throughout the night. It's been a week now, and he has slept as good or better in his crib every single night as compared to his sleep in the RNP.

First night sleeping in his crib! woo hoo!

We are probably still a long way from sleeping through the night entirely, but he is in his bed, in his room, and we are in our bed, in our room, on a completely different floor for the most part. It may not be perfection YET, but it's movement in the right direction!

...and about 3 minutes to blog. It's so challenging to find time, but I don't want to give it up!

Preston turned 3 months this week. Such a sporty little guy...

It's pretty crazy how much things can change in another month's time. I remember when all I wanted was for him to hold his head up on his own. Such a small feat you might think, but a whole new world of possibilities opens up when babies can hold their head up unassisted.

He's now able to sit in his carrier facing outward and loves it...

He never liked his Bjorn (or any other carrier for that matter) much before, even though I have tried many. I think he has claustrophobic tendencies like his parents or something. Plus, even though it had been ages since he's breastfed, he'd start motorboating my cleavage anytime I tried to wear him towards me...even if he wasn't hungry. It was funny to an extent, but not so productive an event for him or I. I'm thrilled he can now hang out facing the world and likes to be worn. We even vacuum the house together.

We've been doing a little special ops training in the mornings to strengthen his neck even more, and practice the art of rolling over...

Preston has also developed a love for books! Hallelujah! He showed little interest the first couple months when reading to him, but I just kept trying until he was able to focus on the images and hold his head up more to enjoy what he was looking at. All of a sudden he started really getting into story time. It's so fun to see the expressions on his face and the reactions in his developing voice...it's easy to tell which books and pictures are his favorites. He gives plenty of input himself, and I try to pause and let him talk during story time, so he knows I'm listening and involving him.

We're still on a tight budget while hubby's not working, so purchasing many toys hasn't happened. However we're slowly building our book collection however possible. The public library is limited on things his level and have very few board books, but we cleaned out their shelves this week.

I have a feeling the store Half Priced Books is going to be a popular place for us. They don't give you squat for trading in your old books, but their books for sale are pretty cheap, some on clearance for only $1. We traded in old books of ours and walked away with a small stack of few new ones for only $7! Crazy cheap!

Thankfully P has become MUCH easier to take out in public solo. Little to no screaming for diaper changes, and the weather has cooled off so he's more comfortable in his travel system. The past few times I've taken him out by myself he's been a breeze to manage. He barely mutters a peep and is quite content with car rides. He smiles whenever I go to put him in his car seat now. Lord, please let this last forever!

I've joined a few meetup groups for moms as well, and we went to our first outing together this week...an inflatables bounce gym. Of course, he couldn't bounce, but I think it's good for both of us to get out and socialize. He ended up sleeping the whole time despite the ruckus that was going on... at least I know he can be civil if I take him out with groups now. ha!

Perhaps the best moment of the month has been decorating for Christmas. Yes, I know it's still early to be decorating, but the cold snap last weekend had us feeling festive! For the first time in years we hung stockings...and 3 of them, praise God! I had a momentary breakdown in the holiday isle when purchasing them, thinking back to the other holiday seasons, going through fertility treatments and losing pregnancies. Finally, we have 3 stockings!

One thing that sucks THE MOST when experiencing infertility is the holidays. You force yourself to decorate and give gifts. You try your best not to cry at every turn, but all you want to do is crawl into a hole and hide from the heart-wrenching stream of family cards that show up endlessly in your mailbox. I have not, for one second, forgotten about all of my sisters in infertility who are still on their journey to parenthood. Hang in there, because you will get your family eventually, and when you do it will change your entire perspective, I promise!

This is the first year in quite a while I've truly embraced Christmas and soooo much of the bitterness I had before is POOF, gone. It doesn't hurt that we now have a little help decorating...

I am just as much a bucket of tears these days, but it's for completely different reasons. Where I used to be overcome by sorrow every day, I'm now overcome with joy...and maybe still a few weird hormones left over after pregnancy? Seriously, am I going to be a hormonal mess forever? I'm going to become one of those old ladies walking around with tissues in my purse and a spare pack to hand them out in church.

Lastly, speaking of the holidays, we created a "wish list" on amazon for Preston, so that relatives who ask can see what he can use and can purchase gifts easily online. I'm noticing that practically everything runs on batteries these days. I have a few old school things like blocks and the "Farmer Says" toy, but would love any suggestions on good toys to get a baby under 1 yr. old that do not run on batteries. If you have any ideas, I'd love to hear them!

Forgive me if I continue to sound like a fish out of water with some of this pregnancy and motherhood stuff. Everyone has to start somewhere, and I'm starting from square 1. Like many other women who traveled the road of fertility treatments prior, it's like once I became pregnant I was just totally BURNT OUT on learning anything. I've literally only read one book, The Complete Organic Pregnancy, which didn't talk much about birth but served more as a reminder that I should be walking around in a plastic bubble (a BPA free one of course) to protect me from the ravages of this toxic planet we live on.

It's highly unlike me to be so unmotivated to learn about such an important new life experience.There are other books I'd been saving for pregnancy, like Ina May's Guide to Childbirth, but still haven't made the effort. However, I am honestly enjoying NOT being an expert about something for once. Furthermore, the girl who once thought she might have a completely natural birth (possibly not even at a hospital) has made a complete 180 and decided that I'm OK handing the reigns to my OB. I'm seeing a MFM specialist/perinatologist every month and my OB in between, so I have an apt. every 2 weeks right now to assess everything...really not much they can miss I'm guessing.

Plus, I've heard enough stories about well-intentioned birth plans that change according to circumstances last minute. I'm not going to say I do want an epidural, because what if I go into labor too quickly and there's not enough time? I'm not going to say I don't want an epidural, because I have no crystal ball on how bad the pain will be. I don't want to set all these expectations and then have my plan changed, because I am not good at dealing with defeat. All I know is I'd like to avoid a C section or induction unless it's medically necessary. Outside of that, I'm leaving it up to the people who went to school and have been delivering babies as long as I've been alive.

Still, after taking a loooong hiatus from the infertility forums on BBC, I decided it might benefit me to go back online and learn a thing or two about all the stuff I'm supposed to be doing. Hearing about everyone else's nurseries in full force and all the things they already have ready-to-go motivated me to start thinking about a gift registry, which I quickly realized I knew nothing about either. Luckily, I got some good advice from several women with newborns and toddlers, and I discovered there are also some good examples of must have items on amazon.com from other new parents.

The one thing I've become acutely aware of when reading comments on baby forums is that breastfeeding is definitely not the picture perfect experience of peacefulness and solitude we'd like to believe it is, especially in the beginning; More like a continuum of bloody cracked nipples, finding time to pump, and figuring out which bottles your baby will drink from to give yourself relief, all the while battling baby bouts of acid reflux and screaming at the top of their lungs. I can't say I wasn't warned, that's for sure.

Once again, I was taken back once I clicked on the plethora of pumping bras available to the modern woman. These are the images taken from one...

Yep, I'm sure that's exactly how I'll look and feel!

Look how thrilled she is to be pumping at work!

Why even try with the polka dots? Seriously, you can't make that thing cute.

Lord help my husband to still find me attractive once he sees this watermelon exiting my body and the year of oh so fashionable lingerie which will follow. I don't know if I can bring myself to buy one of these things. I might just cut a couple holes in my sports bras or just wear nursing tanks, which are way less scary in my opinion.

It will all be worth it in the end though for our little guy. This was taken at his anatomy scan yesterday, which he passed with flying colors thankfully!

Preston waving @ 17w5d. (Measuring 18w1d & heartbeat @ 147bpm)

Favorite part of the scan was seeing all the structures of the brain and the heart. They look at EVERY single part of the baby's body inside and out, even the arteries and chambers within the heart to see how they're functioning. Those pics are hard to get with him wiggling so much, but very fascinating stuff.

We received our third confirmation that he's definitely a boy...

WARNING BABY PORN: Under the booty shot

Think he might already have some running legs on him too...

Ironically, I felt him kicking for the first time yesterday morning before getting out of bed...a very surreal feeling indeed. Of course, now I'm laying in bed every morning at 4 am completely fixated on my abdomen, waiting for the sheer chance I'll get to feel him again. Hopefully it will become more frequent and pronounced over the next couple weeks.

In other good news, the hubby accepted a fantastic job offer from a software company that recruited him very aggressively. He's now a Vice President of Sales, which is a step up in title for him from Director at his last position, even though he was doing the role of a VP all along really. It's just really nice to see him get so much interest from everyone he's interviewed with, because he's so outstanding at what he does. He deserves to finally have his talents celebrated and appreciated.

Best of all, we're not moving away from Austin, which was a very real possibility as other job opportunities were entertained the last few weeks. It's an interesting feeling to be almost half way through a pregnancy and living in limbo, not sure if/when you might need to pack up and move, praying that your COBRA healthcare will go through appropriately during the unemployment. We're just so thankful it's all a non-issue now, and Preston can begin his life right here in a safe home we already know and love. I am so proud of hubby, and I know Preston will be proud to call him his dad. Hopefully, I can get over all the scariness and newness of motherhood once it is really here, and I will be a mom everyone can be proud of too.

Just the Two of Us @ 20 Weeks

The Path to Parenthood Continues & A Little Word of Encouragement

A Little Sunshine & A Lot of Bathing Suit Material

Mixed Emotions of Mother's Day, but Hooty Hoo! Nursery is Complete

Fender Benders and Fluffy New Friends

36 Years & 28 Weeks Along

Glucose Test: PASSED! RBC's a bit low

Getting all Doula'd Up

No Cookies for You! Just One Big Ole Baby

Preston's Baby Shower Video

Our Natural Unmedicated Childbirth Plan

BRCA Test Results & Belly Ninja Update (37 Wks + 3 Days)

Single Digits...Maybe?

Meet Preston Alexander!

3 Week Flailings of a First Time Mom

1 Month Foxy Hiccupotamus

Thank You letter to RE

Goodbye Fenu-farts, Hello Major Milk Makin' Cookies

10 True Things About the First Year of Parenthood (via Girl of Cardigan)

No More Pumping, No Regrets

Power of a Praying Wife

2 Months for the Diaper Diva!

Mission to Sleep: To Crib from Rock 'n Play in 1 Day

3 Months & 3 Stockings

Breast Pump Epiphanies & Anatomy Scan